Wasting Away
by OldGregg89
Summary: She looked around at the boy who had his arm around the girl, It was Jess. She looked at him. He looked at her. There was silence. Rory threw up all over her shoes.. Rory's life is falling apart, can anyone save her from herself?
1. Projectile Surprise

**This story is set when Rory is 25. Jess never came to visit her in season 6 and she slowly went down hill more and more, never returning to Yale. Lorelai and her are estranged, she's engaged to Logan, she doesn't speak to her grandparents either, but stays with her father often. **

**I don't really know where I'm going with this, I have some good ideas though. **

**Disclaimer: Good lord I don't own anything at all!!**

**Chapter 1**

The music blared and Rory could hardly stand it. Logan grinned at her through the crowd of people, she looked away, not even acknowledging him. She looked over at Finn, catching his eye, he grinned and got up, she knew where he was going and a moment later she followed him.

Finn took her hand, running his finger across the ring on her fourth finger.

"Something about touching this ring makes me feel 10 times naughtier then I already do." He chuckled, running his other hand through her hair.

"That's because the ring is what makes it so exciting. So evil!" She laughed, leaning forward and kissing him passionately.

"Naughty, naughty girl!" Finn hissed, pulling away from their kiss.

"I wish we could get out of here." Rory shouted to him over the roar of the dance music.

"I think that would make it a little obvious." Finn laughed, pulling her close so their bodies were warm against each other.

"I guess… and if everyone knew…it would just be boring and I'd move on anyway." Rory said with a shrug. She was entirely serious.

Since school, Rory was constantly searching to fill the space it had left in her life. Drinking, drugs, sex were just a few of the things she used to escape the fact that she had disappointed herself, and everyone around her.

"This place is boring now, I'm going to take Logan and I'm gonna go." Rory told Finn, who shrugged.

"I'm gonna stick around, try and fool some dazzling creature into coming home with me." Finn told her.

"Good luck with that." Rory called, and then set off through the crowd of the club to where Logan was. "Let's go." She called to him, he nodded and followed her out into the cold winters air. "So not dressed for summer." She said, pulling him close to her and wrapping his arm around her shoulders.

"You didn't seem to be having fun tonight." Logan told her, she nodded.

"It's all the same old shit, I need something new." Rory replied, watching her breath turn to smoke as she spoke.

"Maybe you could try going back to school." Logan said, he constantly brought this up to Rory and it infuriated her.

"It's been over 4 years since I left! I'm not going back Logan." She snapped at him, "I can't go back." She added bitterly, a hint of sadness in her voice.

Logan kissed her on the forehead, and they walked down the street in silence. Rory looked around the quiet streets of New York, her home for what seemed like forever, she could hardly comprehend living in a small town now, she hadn't been back to Stars Hollow in three years, and it had only been to see Lane before that. These days she simply made Lane come and meet her in Hartford.

"You know I worry about you Ace." Logan told her for about the millionth time.

"I worry about me too." Rory replied, not in the mood to fire up and fight with him. She felt Logan's sigh and she felt a pang of guilt for the things she did behind his back. These pangs were rare, and were getting further and further apart as time went on. Rory could feel everything she used to know about herself slipping away and she didn't care.

They reached their building, it was a huge grand looking estate, the doorman smiled at them, tipping his hat gently.

"I think I'm going to have a cigarette before I head upstairs." Rory told Logan.

"I don't want you to stand down here on your own, I'll keep you company." Logan told her.

"No, you know I like to be alone when I smoke, it's my thinking time." Rory told him with a small smile.

"It's cold out, and it's the middle of the night…just let me stay…" Logan said.

"Norm will keep me company, just go upstairs…get naked and I'll be there in no time." Rory said cheekily, slapping him on the butt lightly.

"All right Ace. But, don't talk to strangers." Logan warned with a chuckle in his voice, then he went inside, Rory watched as he got into the elevator and disappeared from view.

"Nice night to be standing in the blistering cold, ain't it Norm?" Rory said with a grin to the doorman.

"For the millionth time Mrs Huntzberger, my name is Pauly, not Norm." Pauly told her with a roll of his eyes.

"And I'm not Mrs Huntzberger, but you insist on calling me that, so I'm gonna keep on calling you Norm…Norm." Rory told him, lighting up a cigarette and inhaling deeply, closing her eyes as she took a seat on the stone steps.

"That stuff will kill ya." Pauly told her, she sighed softly.

"You're a real brains trust Norm, what say you and I run off together?" Rory told him giving him a withering stare. He was quiet after that.

It was freezing but Rory didn't mind, her hair was very long now, and dyed burgundy, it fell down her back in thick waves. She was wearing a blue dress with spaghetti straps, it came to just below her knees, so needless to say she was shivering so much it almost felt like she was having a fit.

She could see a group of people walking towards her, hooting and jumping around, the streets of New York never slept.

It was times like this, when Rory would dare to think about her mother, and what she was doing, and if she was alright. Rory would never admit that she thought about her mother to anyone, she never bothered to ask Lane about her, in fact she purposely avoided it, and these days Lane didn't even bother to try.

"I'm going home for the night in a moment Miss, perhaps you should come inside." Pauly told Rory, who blatantly ignored him.

Rory was thinking about the last time she had seen her mother, last Christmas.

"_You're wasting away." Lorelai had said to Rory, feeling sick at how thin her daughter had gotten. _

"_Eating's not really up there on my list of priorities. A lot more coffee these days though, you must be proud of that." Rory told her mother. _

"_Not even in the slightest…" Lorelai snapped back, they were silent for a moment, "I see you're engaged…Logan I presume." _

"_Didn't see the point in saying no when he asked." Rory said with a shrug, looking down at the incredibly expensive engagement ring. "We'll probably just end up being engaged for years." _

"_I'm glad you're taking it so seriously." Lorelai replied. _

"_You look good mom." Rory said softly, she heard her mother let out a little sob, so she rose up from the grandparents couch and went to find Logan so they could leave. _

"Night Miss Gilmore." Pauly said, taking his doorman hat off and heading off down the street.

"Night Pauly." Rory said back with a small grin.

She looked at her cigarette, the ash was extremely long, she had been completely lost in thought, she threw the cigarette away and lit another, standing up and stretching.

The group of people was only about 10 metres away now, 3 very beautiful girls led the way, then a few boys, pushing and shoving each other like they were still 10 years old, then a boy and a girl brought up the rear.

"Evening Ma'am!" The boys hooted as they passed by Rory, they were around her age, she grinned back.

"Rory?"

She looked around at the boy who had his arm around the girl.

It was Jess.

She looked at him.

He looked at her.

There was silence.

Rory threw up all over her shoes.


	2. Infatuated More Like

**Chapter 2**

_Lorelai entered the diner feeling happier then usual, she spotted Luke and grinned, "Ah! There's the blushing bride!" She announced, walking over to the counter and taking the seat._

"_It's been 2 years Lorelai, please story referring to me as that." Luke snapped, though a grin still played about his lips. _

"_I'll stop when we're actually married!" Lorelai replied, her smile faltering for a moment, before being replaced by a bigger one. "What's going on, you look pre-occupied." She pointed out._

"_It's just…someone's coming to visit, and I don't think you're going to like it." Luke told Lorelai, who cocked an eyebrow. _

"_It's not Nicole is it?" Lorelai asked, feeling a little annoyed._

"_What? No? I haven't even spoken to her since we divorced." Luke told Lorelai, who looked relieved. _

"_Well, who? Spill!" Lorelai snapped impatiently, the door to the diner swung open then and Luke looked over. _

"_They can tell you themselves." Luke said, Lorelai turned around to see Jess coming over to the counter, only he wasn't Jess. _

_He was dressed quite nicely, no denim jacket to be see. His hair was longer, but neater. His face looked softer, kinder, there wasn't the familiar look of bitterness. _

"_Jess." Lorelai said, feeling a little awkward she stood up and gave him a hug. _

_As they separated Jess said, "Wow…" _

"_That was a little uncomfortable." Lorelai replied knowingly. _

"_Lets settle on a handshake next time, or maybe even just a wave." Jess replied with a smirk. _

"_Wave sounds good." Lorelai replied, before turning back to Luke, "Luke! Why didn't you tell me he was coming, don't tell me you were scared?" _

"_I…Well… it's complicated. I talk to Jess all the time…it's just…" Luke struggled to find the words, while feeling very uncomfortable. _

"_So where's Rory? Feels weird seeing one of you without the other." Jess said, with a grin at Lorelai. _

"_Oh…" Lorelai said, realizing why Luke was so uncomfortable. _

"_Yeah." Luke replied sheepishly. _

"_You haven't told him." She said, stating what was now clearly obvious. _

"_Told me what?" Jess asking curiously. _

"_I have absolutely no idea where Rory is. Every year she pops up at my parents house for dinner at Christmas then disappears again…sometimes I get the odd phone call but…that's it. All I know is she's living in New York." Lorelai told Jess, not making any eye contact with anyone, just staring deep into her coffee, speaking in a monotone. _

"_I'm sorry to hear that Lorelai." Jess said after a long silence. "Maybe I'll run into her sometimes. I've just moved back to New York after much debate with my girlfriend." _

"_Really?" Lorelai asked, "How come, I thought things were going great at the publishing house." _

"_Oh yeah, the absolutely are. So great that we set up the funds to open another one in New York, nothing huge or anything. Me and some of the guys are moving to New York, temporarily to start with just to get things up and running, then if we don't like it, we're going to head back to Philly, and leave others to manage it." Jess explained. _

"_Who would have thought that you would be on your way up while Rory's hit rock bottom." Lorelai said, then she covered her mouth, "Oh no offence Jess…it's just…" _

"_Don't worry, I completely agree." Jess said, putting his hand up to indicate it didn't bother him in the slightest. _

"_If you do run into her…please…keep contact… I just want to know my baby is ok." Lorelai told him. _

_----_

"Oh my god that's disgusting!" The three girls at the front screamed, hurrying off ahead.

"Holy crap, Satan's bride type stuff right there!" One of the guys laughed.

Rory was horrified, she hadn't even been drinking, she was completely sober and yet she had been so shocked, she had thrown up, she had never done anything like that before.

"Uh…go ahead guys, I'll meet you all there." Jess said, he kissed the girl on the cheek, and they all headed off down the street and around the corner.

"I'm horrified." Rory said simply, kicking her warm, wet shoes off.

"It's not the greeting I'm used to." Jess replied with a small smirk. "What are you doing standing alone on the streets of New York."

"I live in there." Rory said, pointing behind her, Jess whistled, looking impressed.

"I kn- I mean, wow, things must be going good for you, living in a fancy place like this!" Jess said with a grin, looking up at the extravagant building.

"More like someone's fiance is going good and I'm living off my fiancés good fortune." Rory informed him, the grin on Jess's face faded.

"It's been a long time." Jess said, looking awkward and changing the subject.

"It has. I believe the last time I saw you, you came and begged me to come away with you." Rory told him, she was blunt these days, and often never thought about what she was saying.

"Ouch…" Jess said, raising an eyebrow at her, "To be young and in love." He said with a small chuckle.

"Infatuated." Rory corrected him, stepping away from the pile of vomit that had come out of her tiny little body.

"Um…ok. Are you alright?" Jess said, sounding a little concerned.

"Spectacular." Rory replied. They looked at each other quietly, "I just don't really feel like a big heartwarming moment where two old friends are reunited. The world isn't like that."

"I wasn't expected that. Just maybe a little…reaction…beside the regurgitation I just witnessed. The guys are going to be horrified that you're the girl I pinned after for so long." Jess smiled, he seemed happy. Her bitterness was not bringing him down, and it made her want to bring him down even worse. "So fiancé aye?"

"Yes. Logan" Rory told him.

"Ah, yes Luke told me about him, he's not a big fan." Jess informed Rory who shrugged.

"Not many people are." Rory told him, "Sometimes I'm even not."

Jess laughed, though the awkward feeling in his stomach was tightening, he had promised Lorelai he would call her and tell her if he ever saw Rory, and that he would be a friend to her, but Rory looked terrible. Her face was so thin, and she was so pale. She wore expensive fancy clothes, and had beautiful hair, but she wasn't pretty anymore, her eyes seemed empty and judging by her weight, her stomach was too.

"Do you wanna go get something to eat, catch up?" Jess asked her.

"You're girlfriend and friends will be waiting for you." Rory said, going to turn around and go up the stairs.

"Come on Rory, you can't say you're not surprised to see me. You threw up you were so surprised." Jess said.

"No, I'm just really drunk." Rory lied.

"No you're not. Come on." Jess pleaded, though he just wanted to turn around and walk away from this train wreck, he didn't want to deal with someone like this. He had a good life, and happy life. I wonderful girlfriend and business.

"I suppose we could get a milkshake or something." Rory said with a sigh, beginning to walk down the street towards the 24 hour café on the corner.

"That a girl." Jess said, putting his arm around her for a moment.

"So… do you see Luke often?" Rory asked reaching into her jacket and pulling out a cigarette.

"No…I talk to him once a week or so though." Jess said, taking the cigarette and lighter from Rory and lighting it himself. "Thanks you're thoughtful."

"So I'm not allowed to smoke." Rory said with a roll of her eyes.

"Him and your mum seem really happy, why they haven't married I don't know! After all their drama and fighting, they've finally pulled it together, but they've been engaged for 2 years…this is their third engagement, can you believe that." Jess rambled, looking out the corner of his eye for some sort of reaction from Rory.

"Me and Logan have been engaged for almost 2 years, I don't see the big deal, it's important to be sure." Rory said with a shrug, though she didn't even know that Lorelai and Luke were back together. There had been no Luke at Christmas, no ring on Lorelai's finger, she must have been hiding it.

"Yeah, Luke mentioned something like that." Jess replied, he didn't like this Rory, it wasn't Rory at all.

"You're hairs much longer. Last time I saw you, if was so short." Jess said, struggling for conversation.

"You're different too. You're not complicating life and breaking my heart." Rory said shortly, entering the café, which was completely empty beside the person behind the counter who was staring into space.

"You're a bitter girl Rory." Jess told her, off hand as he took a seat at a table and started to look through the menu. Rory didn't sit, she remained standing, looking down at him, Jess ignored her however.

"What are you doing? Why couldn't you say a simple hello on the street and then leave me the hell alone." Rory snapped, but before Jess could answer her cell phone started ringing, she rummaged through her bag and saw that it was Logan calling, she answered.

"What?" She snapped.

"_Where are you? You were taking ages so I come downstairs and you're gone and so is Pauly!"_ Logan said, he sounded frantic.

"Pauly was finished for the night." Rory told him.

"_And what about you? Where are you? Are you ok?"_ Logan shot at her.

"I'm fine. I ran into someone I used to know and they insisted on talking." Rory said, giving Jess a meaningful look, he just smirked and returned to the menu.

"_Oh…ok…" _Logan sounded relieved, "_Tell me next time, where are you?"_

"Just at that crumby little café on the corner." Rory informed him, the person behind the counter gave her a bad look and went out the back.

"Well you just guaranteed spit in your milkshake." Jess told her.

"Shut up." She snapped at him before saying to Logan, "I'm fine I won't be long."

"_I'll just have a shower then I'll come walk you back ok." _Logan told her and before she could argue he hung up.

"I don't really want anything, I'll watch you eat." Rory told him, sitting down across from him.

"I'm not hungry either. I just wanted to catch up with Rory, the great love of my life." Jess told her with a cheeky grin.

"Please…" Rory said rolling her eyes, "So what do you do these days?"

"What…let me just get around the fact that that sentence wasn't filled with annoyance and sarcasm…ok…" Jess paused for a moment, a look of mock-bewilderment on his face, "Alright I think I'm good. I run a publishing house."

"Really Jess! Oh wow that's so great!" Rory said, "I knew you'd end up doing something like that."

"Wow. Thanks Ror." He said, surprised about her positive reaction.

"We were originally based in Philly, but we've been doing pretty good so we've opened another one up here in New York, so I've moved back here for a while, just to get it started. I miss Philly." Jess told her. "Do you miss Stars Hollow?"

"No." Rory said, the moment of positivity was gone and she was back to her sullen self.

"It hurts me to see you like this Rory." Jess told her, and it did, she had been his inspiration to better himself, and now he was looking at her and she wasn't there.

Rory was quiet, she didn't look at him, she just stared at the scummy table top, her hair falling across her face. After about 5 minutes like this Rory looked up at Jess and he could see tears on her cheeks.

"I've come so far…I don't know how to go back…" She admitted, looking deep into his eyes, and he could see her, there she was. His Rory. The Rory he knew, just as he was about to speak to door to the diner swung open and in came a blonde guy. Rory wiped her face hurriedly and put on a smile, turning around to grin at the guy.

"Here's my guy!" Rory said, stretching her hand out, the boy took it and kissed it gently, taking a seat at the table.

"How you going champ, I'm Logan. Hope you've been looking after my girl." Logan said to Jess extending his right hand, Jess shook it looking skeptical.

"I'm Jess, I used to live in Stars Hollow when Rory did." Jess told Logan who nodded.

"Old love aye?" Logan asked with a wink.

"You could say that." Rory said with a small shrug.

"More of an _infatuation_…" Jess said looking at Rory who tried to hide her smirk.

"Cool, well you should stop by our place sometimes for a drink or something, Rory doesn't have many old friends." Logan said, standing up again, indicating it was time to go.

Jess fumbled around in his pocket and pulled out a wallet, he slid a card out of one of the pockets and handed it to Rory. "That's the number and address of the new publishing house, it looks like a bombs hit it at the moment, but in a week or so it should be getting pretty cool, stop by if you like." He got up, resting his hand on Rory's shoulder for a moment, "Nice to meet you Logan." And he left, the bell to the café tinkling behind him.

"Tell me if you're going to run off on a date next time ok?" Logan said, sounding extremely irritated.

"Oh, it wasn't a date." Rory snapped back, looking at Logan like he was a moron.

"My mistake." Logan said with a roll of his eyes, "Come on, lets get out of here."

"I haven't ordered anything yet." Rory said stubbornly, folding her arms across her chest.

"Who are you kidding, you don't eat, lets go." Logan snarled, Rory climbed to her feet and followed him out onto the street, it was colder then before, but it was getting light, it was so late the sun was starting to rise. She wondered vaguely where Jess had been off to at this time of night, but didn't dwell on it.

They got upstairs to their giant apartment, Rory dropped her bag on the ground at the door and went to go straight to bed, but Logan caught her hand and turned her around, "Rory…"

"What?" Rory snapped irritably.

"I love you." Logan said sweetly, looking into her eyes, her face softened.

"I love you too Logan, you know I do." Rory told him truthfully.

"You're so messed up, I just want to save you." Logan sighed, "I wish I could just hold you tight and make you okay again."

"Logan, I'm fine. I don't know why you're so worried!" Rory told him, her face hardening again. "I'm happy, I have you, you're all I need!"

"Rory, I love you, but I'm no idiot." Logan told her, frowning at her for a moment, then heading into one of their spare bedrooms, "I'm sleeping in here tonight." He told her, then the door slammed, making Rory jump, she stood for a long time, simply staring at the door.


	3. Howl

**Chapter 3**

Rory sat on the couch in the middle of her deserted apartment, Logan was at work and as usual she was left alone to fill her time with endless nothingness. She sighed softly, looking around the room, it was so full of stuff, and none of it interested her.

Her eyes settled on the giant bookcase against the far wall, full of all her books, none of them had been touched in a very long time, but now, she felt drawn to them. Rising delicately to her feet she tiptoed across the room to stand in front of it, her eyes traveling over all the titles, a small smile on her face.

Sliding a finger in she pulled out "Howl", an open grin breaking across her face, it felt awkward, it wasn't an expression that crossed her face often these days. She opened it, reading the writing in the margins.

It had been 2 weeks since she had run into Jess, and though he hadn't crossed her mind much since then, he did now. She missed how the used to talk, she missed having a mind, and amazing opinions and ambitions.

Taking the book, she sat back on the couch and read it all, she was completely consumed in it, she had read it many times before, but it had been so long since she had read that it felt amazing.

When she was finished, she put it back on the shelf, feeling so different, she felt warm inside, she felt hopeful.

She went into the bedroom and fumbled through her purse, finding the card Jess had given her and without hesitation she went to the phone and dialed in the number, it rang for along time before a girl answered sounding flustered.

"Truncheon Books New York." She said in a tick European accent.

"Um, Hi, I'm after Jess Mariano." Rory said, there was a sound, like something falling and the girl let out a little squeal, before composing herself.

"Uh sure. I'll get him to weave his way through the chaos to the phone as fast a possible." The girl said, she heard her call out to Jess and then Rory waited for a long time. Finally Jess answered.

"Hello Jess here." He said.

"I read a book." Rory told him, not bothering to announce herself.

"I'll alert the media." Jess fired back, Rory rolled her eyes.

"Shut up." She told him, she heard him laugh softly.

"Very good Rory, I'm sure you haven't been proud of simply reading a book since you were about 4 years old."

"Don't tease. I haven't read a book in over a year…strictly brainless magazines." Rory informed him.

"And why are you telling me this?" Jess asked.

"I read Howl." Rory told him, Jess was quiet for a while.

"My notes still in there?" He said finally.

"They are a little faded, still there though. It was weird to read them, I felt 17 again." Rory told him. There was an awkward pause, "So…how's the unpacking and setting up going?"

"Little longer and messier then expected." Jess told her, "It's alright…gotta struggle for your art."

"Who was the European girl?" Rory asked.

"That's my girlfriend Annik." Jess said.

"Very Joy Division of you. Hope that's where the similarities end." Rory chuckled.

Jess laughed and Rory felt good, she missed talking to him, even though she was only realizing it now.

"So, when do you think you'll be all set up?" Rory asked.

"Give it another few days and you'll probably be able to make a clear path." Jess told her. They were quiet for a moment.

"You're different now." Rory told him.

"Uh…not sure how I'm meant to take that." Jess replied.

"I don't know. I just never would have pictured you ending up like you are, you're happy…kinda…friendly. Small children wouldn't run and hide if they saw you coming." Rory attempted to explain, feeling increasingly awkward.

"Relax Rory, I know what you mean…" Jess sighed. "Life's good…don't really have much to be bitter about anymore."

"What about the very stupidity of humanity? That always used to get you going." Rory giggled.

"Oh yeah, that still fires me up." Jess said, there was quiet again. "Well…I better get back to work, Annik keeps throwing me dirty looks every time she moves something heavy."

"Ok…I might stop by sometime." Rory said, then hung up. She felt weird.

It had been a long time since Rory had talked to anyone and felt a bit like her old self. Usually she just grunted, or was to drunk or out of it to communicate intelligently at all. It felt nice not to feel totally braindead. Though, it was the idiocy that absorbed her that often saved her from realizing how much she had destroyed the life she had been working towards.

There was a knock at the door that brought her out of her deep thoughts, she climbed to her feet and answered it, and there was Finn.

"Well, hello, hello, hello." He said with a small wink, walking in.

"Finn…I wasn't expecting you." Rory told him, watching as he flopped down comfortably in one of her chairs.

"That's the beauty of it love, you never are…part of the excitement." Finn said with a cheeky grin.

Rory smiled down at him, she'd always had a weak spot for Finn, his disgusting arrogance and always intrigued her, but it had only been in the last couple of months that she had dared try to do anything about it.

"Logan could be home any minute." Rory said warily.

"And if he finds me here, I simply came to see him." Finn told her winking sneakily, Rory giggled.

"Alright I give." Rory said, flopping down next to him and wrapping her arms around his neck, kissing him gently. She pulled back, looking into Finn's eyes.

"Wow…I don't think a girl I've been with has ever looked me in the eyes like that." Finn said, looking a little embarrassed.

"They were probably scared you'd laugh in their face. I know you wouldn't dare." Rory told him giving him a warning look.

"I really like you Rory." Finn said, Rory rolled her eyes.

"Shut up Finn, you don't have to feed me that crap, and frankly I don't want to hear it." Rory told him, any essence of her old self had disappeared again.

"That's a shame because I mean it." Finn told her, Rory stood up.

"That's all well and good Finn, but I don't want to hear it because I love Logan and I'm going to marry Logan." Rory told him, flicking her hair out of her eyes.

"I know you do, I just wanted you to know." Finn said, Rory wasn't used to seeing him without his cocky exterior, and she didn't find this side of him attractive at all.

"Look Finn, I have fun with you, you're great in bed, but it's just fun. I have a relationship filled with love, so it's not what I'm after with you. With you, I want simple." Rory explained, Finn rolled his eyes, standing up as well to face her.

"Please…the only reason you're going behind Logan's back with me is because you want complicated, and you love messing things up. I've been here, watching you Rory, go from intelligent cute girl next door…to…some sort of porny drugged up party girl." Finn snarled, and straight away Rory could tell he wished he could take it back.

"Ouch." Rory said softly, sinking down into the nearest chair and looking away, allowing her hair to flop over her face and hide it, a habit she had picked up.

"I shouldn't have said that." Finn said softly, crouching down in front of her and resting his hands on her knees, she didn't look at him.

"No…really…it's fine. It's not like I can't see what's happened to me, it just kinda sucks to get slapped across the face with it." Rory replied softly, no real expression in her voice. "Lately I've realised what's happened to me…I don't really know how I'm meant to go back, or if I even want to."

"This new Rory you've built for isn't all bad…she's fun." Finn said unconvincingly.

"Please…I'm completely selfish." Rory replied, finally looking at him, her eyes a little teary.

They looked at each other quietly, until Rory whispered quietly, "I do like you too…"

At that moment, Logan came in, grinning merrily, "Hey kids, not getting up to any mischief are you?" He said to them, dropping his bag down and coming over. Finn stood up from crouching in front of Rory and sat down in the chair beside her.

"Of course dear, forever mischievous." Finn told Logan, who laughed.

"As if should be. So what are we doing tonight?" Logan asked.

"Whatever, I'm easy." Rory said with a shrug.

"Of course you are, half of New York knows that." Finn said, Rory slapped him playfully.

"Finn!" She snapped, but she was giggling.

"Right….well….I think we should just stay in tonight Ace. Maybe get started on the guest list for the wedding that seems to be looming ever closer…of course that would be if we'd set a date." Logan said, sounding a little antsy.

"Ok fine. Lets work out when the date should be tonight, ok dear." Rory said, standing up and kissing him on the forehead.

"I guess that's my cue then." Finn said, he stood up took a bow, and then left.

"Come here you." Logan said, beckoning to Rory, who went over and sat in his lap. "I'm sorry about last night."

"So am I. Friends?" She said, batting her eyelashes.

"Friends…and so much more." He said, kissing her neck softly, she giggled.

The phone rang suddenly, making them both jump. "Damn mood killer." Rory snarled, climbing up and going to the phone, "You're interrupting." She snapped when she answered.

"Rory, it's Lane."

"Lane. Well I guess this is an interruption I can forgive." Rory said, feeling glad to hear from her best friend.

"Rory, I have something I need to tell you, I know you're determined to cut yourself off from your old life, but I think you'd want to know this." Lane said, sounding nervous.

"Fine, tell me." Rory demanded, feeling irritated.

"It's your grandpa, he's really sick and in hospital." Lane said, Rory's blood ran cold, she felt tears try and escape at once.

"What! Where! Oh my god, ok don't worry I know where he is, thank you so much Lane. You made the right choice." Rory hung up feeling frantic.

"Grandpa's in hospital. I have to go…I have to…where's my keys…I can't…what if its to late…damn it where's my keys!" Rory shouted, feeling sick.

"I'll drive, grab your coat." Logan told her, Rory obeyed him, feeling smaller then she ever had before.

They were in Logan's car, driving as fast as he could, Rory was crying silently, feeling like the most horrible person in the world.

"I shut him out…he loved me more then anything in the world and I left." Rory cried, burying her face in her hands.

"He knows you love him, I'm sure he's fine." Logan said, trying to comfort her.

"I know what its like to love something more then anything and have it leave, without so much as a goodbye. I can't believe I've done the same thing." Rory wept.


	4. The Journey

**Chapter 4**

"Mom!" Rory called, running down the squeaky clean hospital hallway.

"Rory?" Lorelai looked up in bewilderment, this had been the last person she had expected to see in a million years.

"Where is he? Is he ok? What's happened?" Rory asked desperately, Logan was still parking the car, so Rory stood alone in front of her mother.

"What are you doing here? How did you find out?" Lorelai replied, not bothering to answer any of Rory's questions.

"Grandpa's sick, why would I not come?" Rory told her, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Oh, my mistake, it must be a different Rory who's turned into the most shallow selfish person on the planet." Lorelai snapped, standing up and folding her arms across her chest.

"I really don't want to get into this right now, I just wanna see Grandpa." Rory said, looking around desperately, as if Richard was about to step out and wave merrily from a doorway.

"He'll be up in a minute, they are bringing him out of surgery now, he had a heart attack." Lorelai informed Rory.

"Oh my…" Rory began, but she chocked up, tears forming, she covered her mouth, horrified, Lorelai raised her arm awkwardly as if to reach out and touch Rory, but then allowed her arm to drop again. "How's Grandma?" Rory managed to ask.

"Not good. Really not good. She didn't even yell at the nurses, or look down her nose at anyone. She's just in the room, staring at the floor, waiting for Dad." Lorelai said, Rory felt horrible, she felt dirty, diseased, like a leper.

Logan came round the corner and spotted the two women, and headed over.

"Hey, what do we know?" Logan asked, as he reached them.

"We know that you're not welcome here Logan." Lorelai snapped back, glaring at him.

"Mom, please…" Rory said softly.

"No Rory. You should know better then to show up here, thinking you'd be viewed as a hero for coming running to your grandfather's side." Lorelai snarled, turning on Rory now, "And bringing him here is just the icing on the cake really. Just asking for trouble."

"Maybe I should go and wait downstairs…" Logan began.

"No, I want you here with me, you're my fiancé." Rory said the word fiancé louder, knowing it would hurt Lorelai.

"Fine, stay. I'm leaving." Lorelai replied, gathering up her coat and bag.

"You can't leave mum, grandpa will be here in a minute." Rory said in disbelief.

"Well I can't be near you!" Lorelai shouted, making Rory jump. "You have hurt me more then any man ever could. I have spent so many nights crying over you, wishing I could call you, but oh wait…you made perfectly sure I could never contact you. I never did anything to you Rory, all I did was love you, you were my best friend and you broke my heart. You aren't a part of this family anymore so why don't you just leave!"

"You don't mean that mom." Rory said, feeling even worse still.

"Maybe not, but right at this moment I do, and I swear to god if you don't leave I'm gonna break down and I need to be here, being strong for Mom and Dad." Lorelai pleaded, desperation in her voice.

"Fine…tell them I came." Rory said, holding back her tears as best she could, before turning to leave.

"This is really low Lorelai, even considering the circumstances." Logan said, Rory turned to look at them.

"Leave it Logan, let's just go." Rory practically whispered, Logan sighed and the two of them walked off, around the corner, they didn't talk until they were in the car and heading home.

"Are you ok?" Logan asked gently.

"No." Rory replied bluntly.

- -

"_Lorelai, this is Jess." Jess had finally got the courage to call Lorelai, a couple of days after he had seen Rory. _

"_Jess, Hi, Luke's not here right now, he's still closing up at the diner." Lorelai told him. _

"_I know, I was actually calling to speak to you." Jess told her. _

"_Oh…" Lorelai said, they were silent for a moment, "So…?" _

"_I saw Rory." Jess blurted out. _

"_Was she ok, how did she look?" Lorelai asked, feeling a rush of excitement and sheer terror. _

"_To be honest, she looked terrible…and very unhappy…" Jess said, he wasn't sure if he should be telling Lorelai this, if it would just add to her stress, but he didn't feel right lying. _

"_Oh…my poor baby." Lorelai said, she sounded like she was trying not to cry and it made Jess feel incredibly awkward. _

"_I'm not good with this kind of thing." He admitted. _

"_I know Jess…I do remember the sullen angry 17 year old that used to drive me crazy." Lorelai said, a small laugh escaping through the sobs she was trying to hide._

"_I know where she's staying…and I gave her my card." Jess told Lorelai. _

"_Thank you so much Jess…I feel better knowing she can contact you. I think she will." Lorelai sighed. _

"_That doesn't sound right coming from you." Jess replied, "I doubt she'll call me..." _

"_Let me know if you hear anything." Lorelai said. _

"_I will." Jess hung up. Feeling completely bizarre, he couldn't believe after all this time Rory was back in her life, and she was the one that was all messed up. _

_- -_

"Rory, you can't pretend like everything's fine." Logan said desperately to Rory, who pulled the dress off that she was wearing and started to put another one on.

"Why do all my clothes suck!" Rory snapped, ignoring Logan.

"I really don't think you should go out when you're like this, besides it's late!" Logan tried to reason but Rory held her hand up.

"I want to go out. I'll be fine. I'm sure grandpa will be fine, we'll find out through your family or something." Rory said with a shrug.

"I know your upset because of your mom but I really think we should go back. It's important, your mother will respect you more if you go back." Logan told her.

"I don't want that woman's respect." Rory replied simply. Settling on an outfit. "Perfect." She said with a nod of approval at her clothes.

"Very nice, I've always liked that shirt, but that isn't the point.." Logan began again.

"Logan please. I'm keeping it together the only way I know how." Rory shouted, shaking a little where she stood. "I'm going out. I don't need you to come with me."

"Just wait, I'll just change my clothes and I'll come." Logan said, going to go out the door.

"No. I said I don't need you." Rory snarled, then she stormed out of the apartment. She didn't know where she was going, she didn't even know if any of her friends where out she just stormed crazily down the street, feeling like she was about to unravel at any moment. She fished around in her purse, not quite knowing what she was looking for, but then she found a card, checking the address she turned around and heading back in the other direction.

She walked for about 10 minutes before she reached her destination, it was a slightly shabby but somehow cool little building, wedged in between two giant buildings. She rang the bell without hesitation, not even thinking of the time.

There was a lot of scuffling then finally the door opened. It was a very tanned boy with long dreads, no shirt and a pair of what Rory horrifyingly suspected were hemp pants.

"Yes?" He asked, irritated.

"Is Jess here?" Rory asked, feeling awkward.

"Who are you?" He asked suspiciously.

"Rory." She told him.

He looked thoughtful for a moment, then a look of realization cam across his face, "Oh…I've heard of you."

"I'm a well known girl." Rory said, just wanting to go inside.

"Yeah, Jess is in the back with Annik." The guy told Rory, "I'm Maurice by the way."

"Ok, thanks Maurice." Rory said, practically pushing past him and into the building. Jess hadn't been lying there were still boxes everywhere, and a bit of a weird smell as well.

She walked down a dark hall and into a back room, it was empty, "Up the stairs." She heard Maurice yell from somewhere in the distance, so Rory headed up the staircase that was to one side of the area, every single stair squeaked on her way up so she felt absolutely ridiculous about the fact she was tiptoeing. She reached the top and there was another hall with four doors coming off it, they were all open except the one on the end.

She went and knocked on it.

"Get lost Maurice." She heard Jess snap.

She knocked again.

"You better beg off I'm warning you." Jess snarled again.

Rory knocked vigorously, she didn't know why she didn't just say it was her.

Finally the door swung open violently, and Jess stood in front of her, in just a pair of boxers, but Rory didn't notice.

"I wanted to speak with you." Rory blurted out.

"Kinda worked that much out myself." Jess said, sounding irritated. Rory looked behind Jess and saw a gorgeous girl sitting up in the bed, looking at Rory curiously, she had long thick wavy black hair and the biggest brown eyes Rory had ever seen, she had olive skin, and everything about her was perfect.

"Who's this Jess?" The girl Rory knew had to be Annik.

"Rory, Annik, Annik, Rory." Jess said hurriedly, "I'll be back in a minute." Jess told Annik, before closing the door behind him and heading down the stairs, Rory behind him.

"What are you doing here Rory, it's after midnight." Jess said, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"I don't really know. I had a fight with...well… and… I was walking down the street and I didn't know where I was going and I remembered your card…and…I just thought…" Rory felt stupid now, she didn't know why is was here or what she was doing.

"When I said to stop by I meant when the sun was up." Jess replied, flopping down onto a couch that Rory hadn't noticed before amongst all the boxes.

"I know…I'm sorry…" Rory sighed, sitting down next to him. "Annik's beautiful."

"I've noticed." Jess replied with a small smirk on his face.

"I'm happy for you." Rory told him.

"Wish I could say the same for you." Said Jess, feeling a little awkward and confused about Rory's growing attempt to form some kind of friendship. Besides the fact she was obviously self destructive he felt bad for lying to her, going and telling Lorelai he had seen her.

"I saw my mother tonight." Rory told Jess, who suddenly felt very anxious.

"Oh yeah?" He asked, trying to act casual.

"My grandpa had a heart attack and I went to the hospital…and she said all these horrible things, things I thought she would never say. I deserve them I guess." Rory said, feeling depressed.

They were quiet, sitting beside each other. For a moment Rory rested her head gently on Jess's shoulder, he didn't push her off, he was shocked, but not angry. He could tell she was really desperate for someone to talk to, if he could just help her a little bit, maybe he wouldn't feel guilty about lying to her.

Rory sat up again.

"I'm sorry I didn't go with you." Rory said, referring to her first year of college.

"It's better this way." Jess said with a shrug. "Rory…are you ok?"

"Tip-top 100 faaan-tastic." Rory said sarcastically, rising to her feet. "I'm sorry I came here Jess, I don't even know you anymore…I just get lonely."

Before Jess could say another word Rory turned around and weaved through the boxes and out the door quickly.

"Is that THE Rory?" Annik asked from the top of the stairs, she had been eaves dropping. Jess sighed, knowing there was explaining to be done.

---

Rory walked down the street, feeling no better then she had before she'd seen Jess. She wasn't quite sure where she was, she hadn't been paying attention at all.

She came out of a daze and looked around, she recognized where she was, the bus station was just around the corner and without a second thought she went straight to it and purchased a ticket to Hartford. Relieved that she had just made the last but she climbed aboard.

Logan would be worrying about her, she had turned her phone off and she knew he'd be frantic, but she was to worried about her life, and the slow realization that was coming across her. She hated her life.

She somehow dozed off into a restless sleep on the bus, she felt someone shaking her. It was the chubby red faced bus driver.

"Come on lady get off, it's really late and I don't have time for this." He snapped irritated.

"Sorry…" Rory mumbled, blurry eyed. She clambered off the bus clutching her bag to her.

She stood dazed and confused, trying to figure out what was going on, when she remembered getting on the bus and she quickly dialed a cab.

After what seemed like forever she reached her destination. She paid the cab driver, and stepped out into the cold crisp air. The sun was rising and Rory couldn't help but smile as she looked around.

She jogged over and stood in the middle of the gazebo. She turned a full 360 degree turn, taking in every last piece of the town. It had been years.

She spotted Kirk walking jerkily down the street toward whatever job it was he was doing that day, she had never been so happy to see Kirk in her whole life.

After she was finished drinking in the town she walked over to the Luke's diner, it was still to early for it to be open but she saw Luke behind the counter, and she went inside, pleased that the door was unlocked.

"We're clo- " Luke began, but fell silent when he looked up and saw Rory standing in front of him.

"Rory." He said with disbelief.

"Hello Luke." Rory said, a grin on her face.


	5. The Hollow

**Chapter 5**

"_Rory called me today. Said she'd read a book." Jess told Lorelai, she heard Lorelai snort. _

"_Wow, if she had done that when she was young the calls never would have stopped." Lorelai said. _

"_She sounded happier." Jess informed Lorelai who sighed. _

"_I suppose that's good." Lorelai said. _

"_She thinks I'm different." Jess said, more to himself then to Lorelai. _

"_Well you are hun, I mean could you ever imagined having phone chats with me." Lorelai said laughing at the thought. _

_--_

Rory and Luke looked at each other then Luke came out from behind the counter and hugged Rory tightly, Rory was pleased.

"I was half expecting torches and pitchforks." Rory said when Luke pulled away.

"Coffee?" Luke asked, like he always did.

"I've been up for what seems like forever, so I'd say coffee is a must." Rory said as Luke went behind the counter, she took a seat at it. "So why aren't you at the hospital with Lorelai?" Rory asked.

"Richard was in a stable condition, I managed to convince your mom to come home and get some sleep." Luke told Rory who nodded. "She told me about your fight."

"She did, did she?" Rory said in a monotone. "The town looks the same."

"You could be gone for twenty years and it would still look the same…there would just be more grey hairs." Luke told Rory with a roll of her eyes.

"Oh! Are you going to rant, I've missed those." Rory said with a grin.

"We've missed you Rory. Your mom really misses you." Luke told Rory who cringed.

"Lorelai and I are just too different now. She's better off forgetting me." Rory replied.

"She won't marry me until you and her make up." Luke informed Rory.

"Well you are going to be waiting a loooong time." Rory said.

"Why did you come here Rory if you're not here to make up with your mother." Luke asked, sounding a little irritated.

"I don't know, I think I might have had an aneurysm." Rory said, suddenly wondering what the hell she was doing there. "Nice seeing you Luke."

Rory walked out of the diner feeling dizzy and sick, why had she come here? She had come here with some tearful reunion with her and her mother in her mind, but she didn't want that. She had been so horrible to her mother for so long, they had been best friends and Rory had let her own self loathing ruin that.

She dug through her bag desperate, looking for something to ease her pain anything…but there was nothing, she threw her purse furiously onto the ground and let out an angry roar, kicking it.

"Damn it." She yelled, dropping to her knees.

She sat angrily on the floor, her bag in the middle of the road, her beautiful Birkin bag was covered in gravel and lying crumpled on the crumby streets of Stars Hollow. She put her face in her hands.

"Here." She heard a man say, she looked up, someone was holding her bag.

"Help me up." She ordered them, they pulled her to her feet and she took her bag from them. "Thanks handsome stranger." She said, turning to walk away.

"Rory." They said, disbelief in their voice.

"Oh so you're the one bringing the torch and pitchforks, mobs out back." Rory said in irritation. Going to walk off again.

"Rory!" The snapped, she turned to look at them.

"Oh Dean." She sighed, "When life kicks you in the guts it really really really kicks you in the guts huh?"

"What?" Dean said in confusion.

"Nothing, wonderful to see you!" Rory said airily. Rory really didn't like Dean, he had dumped her in front of a large group of boys and she didn't really have the time for him.

"Um…ok." Dean said, looking confused. "What are you doing here?"

"I have absolutely no idea. My guess was an aneurysm." Rory replied. She was so angry, she just wanted to do something, anything to take her mind off how absolutely crap everything was. Then she had an idea. "You look really good Dean."

"Thanks. You look good too, your hairs nice." Dean replied, he looked a little unsettled at Rory's change in heart.

"Sorry I was a little rude, bad night you know." Rory told him with a playful shrug.

"Happens to us all." Dean said.

"Do you want to go somewhere, catch up?" Rory asked trying to sound casual.

"Well I was on my way to get milk for Lindsay, but I guess we can talk somewhere for a while." Dean replied.

"Oh my god she took you back? That's pathetic." Rory laughed without thinking.

Dean looked a little annoyed and embarrassed and Rory covered her mouth, trying to look sorry. She was on a mission, she often went on these missions, just to see how far she could push things and what she could get.

"Sorry. Like I said…bad night." Rory said again.

"That's fine." Dean snapped, when it was obviously anything but.

"Let's go to the bridge." Rory told him and they walked off together.

-

"I've thought about this a lot. What I would say if I saw you again." Rory told him, she had done no such thing, these days she thought more about Tristan then she did about Dean, he was so forgettable.

"Me too." Dean said, his eyes full of sincerity.

"All I could really think was that I would want one last kiss." Rory said, doing her best, I'm about to cry face.

Dean looked away, he was obviously feeling very torn and Rory was pleased. He was so incredibly pathetic, she hadn't seen him in about 5 years and he was obviously still pining for her.

"Lindsay trusts me. It's taken a long time." Dean told Rory, Rory tried her best not to look annoyed.

"She's lucky to have you, I just wish I could be the one you went and got milk for. The one you tried so hard to keep, instead of the one you just dumped." Rory said, looking away, pretending to wipe a tear away.

"I regret that more then anything." Dean said, putting his arm around her, Rory turned back, so their faces were very close together.

"You do?" She whispered.

Suddenly, Rory felt terrible. Not because she was playing games with Dean but because of where she was doing it. On the bridge. This had always been her and Jess' special spot, she didn't want to spoil it now.

Dean leant forward but Rory quickly pulled away.

"What? I thought this is what you wanted…" Dean said looking hurt.

"It is…just…not here." Rory whispered.

"Why not?" Dean asked. Rory decided that the game had changed, she wasn't going to sleep with him, she was going to hurt him.

"It's a special place, for me and someone else." She told him, he looked at her questioningly, "For me and my first love." Rory said, "Jess. We got together here, after you dumped me at the marathon. It's where we had that picnic he outbid you on. I remember being so excited he had won, he was so damn sexy."

"Are you joking?" Dean asked in confusion.

"Of course not, I never joke about Jess. Man, did I love him." Rory said, looking dreaming, but trying not to laugh at the same time, "When we went on that sled ride together, I just knew, that me and him were going to have something amazing. I couldn't stop looking at him after."

"Why are you saying this? After everything you just said to me?" Dean questioned.

"Oh, I was completely lying to you." Rory said with a shrug as if it were nothing, "I was just trying to see if you'd sleep with me after all this time."

Dean was speechless, he looked like he was going to cry. Rory felt pleased. Good. Now someone else felt as bad as she did, and Dean deserved it, he was with Lindsay, giving her all this false trust, it had taken her less then half an hour to have him going in for the kiss.

"Why…why would you do this? What's happened to you Rory?" Dean asked softly.

"I've got nothing to lose." Rory said with a shrug, "We can still…ya know…if you want. It just won't mean anything to me at all. I'm actually engaged to my boyfriend Logan, and I love him very much."

"Wow." Dean said, looking like he was about to throw up. "I feel like such an idiot."

"Oh…ok, so no sex?" Rory asked, going to climb to her feet.

"I would love nothing more then to sleep with you, if the offer is still there…" Dean said slowly.

"Seriously?" Rory asked feeling shocked.

"Of course not you idiot." Dean snarled, getting to his feet.

"Tou'che Dean. Tou'che!" She called after him as he stormed off.

She felt slightly happier, she knew what she was doing was disgusting and horrible, but it lifter her spirits. She really had not wanted to do anything on that bridge…basically everything she had said to Dean was the truth. Jess had been her first love, she had really really really liked Dean.

But Jess, he had made her sick inside, and not in a stupid high school crush way like Dean had. She was amazed she hadn't tried to mess with Jess, she hadn't even thought of it. He was so happy, so together, with his beautiful girlfriend and his perfect job. Ever since she had seen him, she had slowly started to see the person she had become and for tiny moments, she was starting to wish she could go back.

Rory realised she had been sitting on that bridge for over half an hour alone in her thoughts.

_He bit his lip, looking nervously at Rory, scared even, she'd never seen him look scared like this, it was beautiful. _

"_I love you." He said, he looked at her for a second, before turning and walking off, climbing into his car and driving off. _

"_I love you too." Rory thought to herself._

"Oh god!" Rory cried out. She had to get a hold of herself, was she so pathetic and lonely that she was going to start thinking about Jess like this, she didn't even know him anymore, it had been 6 years since she'd seen him. She had been 19 years old, she was 25 now. He was 26, they were two different people. He was the one that was too good for her now.

Rory pulled her phone out and turned it on. 7 messages popped up. All from Logan.

"_**Why is your phone off? Call me when you get this xx"**_

"_**Ace. I'm worried, please call I love you."**_

"_**I've been calling around everywhere, I look like an idiot. Please just be ok." **_

"_**It's 3 in the morning, why are you doing this? I love you."**_

"_**I'm going to call the police soon."**_

"_**I don't want to call the police but I will." **_

"_**I won't call the police, just please call. I love you more than you know." **_

Rory felt terrible. She went to dial Logan but before she could, I call started coming in from her dad.

"Hello father, how are thee?" Rory asked theatrically.

_Thank god you're alright you have Logan worried sick, the man was practically in tears." _

"I was about to call him, geez!"

"_Not good enough kiddo. You can get away with a lot of things, but not just taking off on your fiancé, where are you?"_

"Stars Hollow."

"_What? Did you have an aneurysm?"_

"I suspect so."

"_Did you go to talk to your mom about last night?"_

"I think so, until I realised that was ridiculous. I saw Luke though. That had fairly pleasant results. Saw an ex-boyfriend as well…less pleasant, but more enjoyable results."

"_Leave Dean alone."_

"Ah, you know me to well."

"_I know and it makes me sick with worry constantly."_

"Oh Daddy, I'm fine."

"_I love you Rory. I think you should talk to your mom, you're already there." _

"Maybe…I better call Logan."

"_Alright, come over again soon, GiGi misses you."_

"Give her a kiss for me."

Rory hung up and immediately dialed Logan, he answered in the middle of the first ring.

"_Are you alright baby?" _Logan asked desperately, he'd never called her baby before.

"I'm so sorry Logan…I don't know what happened…I was walking around and I ended up in Stars Hollow."

"_You walked to Stars Hollow?" _

"No, there was buses and taxis involved. I don't know what I'm doing here. Come rescue me, I'm so sorry…I love you so much Logan."

"_Do you have any idea how worried I've been! I called everyone!" _

"I know I'm so so sorry. Please Logan…I need you here."

"_I'll come as soon as I can." _

He hung up.

--

Rory wasn't sure what she was doing, it felt so surreal to be on the porch of her house. She hadn't been here since she officially decided that she was moving to New York and college was out for good.

Taking a deep breath the knocked rapidly, she wanted nothing more then to turn around and run, but Luke had already seen her and he would tell Lorelai she was here and it would only make things worse.

The door swung open and there stood Lorelai in her blue Paul Frank pyjamas, exactly the same.

"I want you at me wedding." Rory burst out.

Lorelai looked at Rory in confusion.

"Not like this." Lorelai said gently.

"I don't want us to hate each other, I don't want to be out of the family." Rory said, her eyes filling with tears. She had sat on that bridge for 3 hours trying to build up the courage to come here and say these things. It's like her old self and new self were battling with each other.

"Has Jess been talking to you?" Lorelai asked.

"What…how…what?" Rory asked in confusion.

"He told me he'd watch out for you, we talk on the phone sometimes." Lorelai said, "Didn't you know? Well…uh…of course you didn't because I'm apparently an idiot who can't figure out the obvious." She babbled.

"I can't believe he would keep secrets with you…from me." Rory said in disbelief, "I…I.."

She turned around and saw Logan's car pulling in.

"I'm going. I can't believe it…I…" Rory said, Lorelai and her looked at each other for a moment, then Rory rushed off and jumped in the car. "Go." She ordered Logan who did as he was told. "How did you know I would be there?"

"Just had a feeling." Logan told her.

"You sure you and Lorelai aren't having secret conversations behind my back?" Rory said, feeling irritated.

"What…why would I do that?" Logan asked in confusion.

"Nevermind." Rory sighed.


	6. It All Falls Apart

**Chapter 6**

"Let's run away!" Rory said, adventure sparkling in her eyes as she smiled down at Finn, trailing her fingers up and down his stomach.

"Come off it love." Finn said with a roll of his eyes, pushing her hand off his stomach.

"Why not?" Rory asked indignantly.

"Because you love Logan and you're engaged to him." Finn said in disbelief.

"Oh yeah." Rory said, remembering her real life. "There's so many different people inside of me." She said softly.

"I've noticed." Finn said, leaning over and kissing her softly on the lips for a moment. "I wish we could separate them out, so I could have this you, Logan could have the other."

"And my mother could have the other." Rory sighed.

"Hm…odd…but I don't mind thinking about that at all. Your mom's hot." Finn said, wriggling his eyebrows suggestively, Rory slapped him playfully.

"Yuck. Not like that." She replied with a laugh.

It had been 3 weeks since Rory had gone to Stars Hollow, she hadn't contacted Jess again, Lane had called to say her Grandpa was back at home and doing fine, she had heard Lorelai talking about it and rushed immediately to tell Rory. Rory had felt a wave of relief flood over her body. She had spent most of the last few weeks at her fathers, Logan had been busy with work, some big name celebrities were around for a holiday, so he had been spending all his time teaching them to hang-glide.

"I like your bed, its comfy, we should lie here more often." Rory said, nestling down into the blankets, pulling them up over her naked body.

"We can't keep doing this Ror." Finn said quietly.

"No…not now. No seriousness, no," She kissed him, "No." she kissed him again, "NO!" She kissed him once more with finality.

He grinned at her, wrapping his arms around her and hugging her close. "You're a good egg."

"Good lord, you wonder why you never have girlfriends. A good egg? Honestly…" Rory rolled her eyes.

"You're the only girlfriend I've ever had. And you're my best friend's fiancé, boy can I pick em." He sighed, letting Rory go. "Honestly love, this has to stop."

Rory rolled her eyes and rolled out of bed, pulling the sheet with her, "I'm going to the bathroom."

"Rory, please!" Finn snapped, she stopped and turned to look at him, he looked noticeably upset.

"Oh…so it's this time in the relationship." Rory sighed softly, sitting down on the end of the bed, looking at him.

"I wish it wasn't." Finn told her.

"It doesn't have to be, we can keep going a little longer." Rory said hopefully, taking his hand.

"Logan will find out soon enough, I don't want to do it to him." Finn replied.

"How is he going to find out?" Rory asked irritably.

"I'll tell him. I can't keep this from him, it's gotta end here, m'kay? Otherwise I'll let it slip purely out of guilt." Finn told her.

"It only has to make you feel guilty if you let it." Rory said gently.

"Well, I've let it." Finn snapped, "Rory…I don't want to fall in love with someone who's in love already."

"Oh…love…" Rory said warily.

"It's getting that way, yeah." Finn replied.

"I guess ending it is for the best then." She agreed. "This was just meant to be a fun little fling, but I do like you, that's wrong. You're right."

"I wish I wasn't." Finn told her, a small smile crossed her lips for a moment.

"I'm going to go." Rory said, kissing him softly on the lips, "My clothes are still thrown all over the dining room I'm assuming?"

"Do I look the type to clean up after you love?" Finn joked, though Rory could see he was sad.

"Bye Cutie." Rory said with a wink, blowing a kiss, and with that she left the room pulled her clothes on and left.

Damn, she thought. Damn, damn, damn.

She had liked hanging out with Finn, he had been fun, simple. The perfect distraction, the perfect companion. Maybe she should have kept it platonic, then it would have been alright. She never could keep it platonic when it came to boys though. She had had one platonic friend ever, that was Marty and he had spoiled it all by liking her.

Rory's life was so full of drama lately, usually she went about her way, sleeping with men, loving Logan, drinking, smoking, taking whatever was available to her, but she hadn't drunk in a while, or taken anything in quite some time. She was incredibly sober, and she hated it, but for some reason she didn't do anything to spoil her sobriety. Nothing had really set her off yet, or at least when it had, there had been nothing around so she had dealt with it in other ways.

Right now, she was raging, she needed to do something, she had just basically been dumped. At least, that's how she felt.

Her mind turned to Jess, she was furious with him, she had vowed to never speak to him again, she didn't want him relaying information to her mother.

Jess and Lorelai, a team. This proved life was just one big cosmic joke.

She decided she was going to pay Jess a little visit, it was something to take her mind off Finn and the obvious fact that she now needed to find a new boyfriend, and Colin was completely out of the question as he made her sick.

She reached Jess's building after vigorous storming through the streets of New York, the sun was going down and there were people everywhere on their way home from work.

Rory stood, glaring at the door for a long time, people were getting irritated with her blocking the sidewalk but she ignored them. The door swung open suddenly making Rory jump back, her feet half missed the gutter and she fell back into the side of the road, straight onto her butt.

Annik stood in the doorway looking at Rory, she rushed forward, "Oh, are you alright Rory?" She asked, helping her up. Rory couldn't believe she hadn't laughed, Rory would have laughed her ass off if she had seem that happen to someone else.

"Clumsy me." Rory said with a shrug, her knee hurt a lot and she allowed Annik to help her to her feet.

"Are you here to see Jess?" Annik asked as Rory leant on her for support.

"Couldn't decide. Hence the standing outside like a stalker." Rory said with a groan as she tried to put weight on her knee.

"Oh, you poor thing." Annik said, "Your knee is all cut up. Here, come inside, I was about to go get some milk, but that can wait, I'll clean you up and you can wait for Jess inside, he should be home any minute."

"Uh…sure…thanks." Rory replied, allowing Annik to practically carry her inside and onto the couch in the back room.

Annik went to get a first aid kit, when she returned she smiled and Rory. "You can clean it or I can it's up to you. A lot of people like to do these things themselves."

"Yeah, I'll do it. Better for you anyway, you don't want to touch my bloody knee." Rory said with a smile taking the kit, beginning to wipe at her leg with a sanitizer.

They were quiet for a while, Rory could tell Annik had a million questions and sure enough after a long silence, "So, you're Rory."

"Last I checked." Rory said, raising an eyebrow.

"I've been told a lot about you, not by Jess of course… I get very little out of Jess…" She said slowly.

"Yes, Jess and communication don't often go hand in hand, or at least that's how it used to be." Rory told Annik, she really didn't want to get into this conversation but she could tell Annik did.

"Jess told Maurice about you one night when he was drunk, one of the first nights Maurice met him, they were living in this horrible little apartment on the other side of town, no furniture just mattresses. I never saw it, but it sounds disgusting." Said Annik.

"It does indeed." Rory replied, wondering if that's where Jess had gone after she had told him she wouldn't come away with him and she really didn't want to be with him.

"Jess has never spoken about you, Maurice told me bits and pieces…" Annik went on.

"How did you find out about me in the first place if Jess never said anything?" Rory asked, her curiosity getting the better of her.

"A picture, he kept it inside the book he wrote. When I asked him about it, he just completely shut off, so I figured it was a bad relationship of some kind." Annik told Rory.

"It wasn't a bad relationship…Jess just always had a way of…getting into trouble I guess." Rory sighed. Great, now she was into relationship talks with Jess' perfect girlfriend.

"Jess is so quiet, he hasn't even said I love you. 3 years we've been together, we got together right after I graduated from Harvard and moved to Philly." Said Annik.

"You graduated from Harvard?" Rory asked softly.

"Yeah, Journalism. But, I don't do anything like that now, these publishing houses are my work." Explained Annik, Rory didn't say anything. "Were you and Jess happy?"

"Oh yes, very happy. When I think back to it, I don't think I was ever happier. It was a good time in my life. While it lasted at least, but it didn't last so I really don't think there's any point worrying about it Annik, Jess' with you now, that's the main thing." Rory gave her a little smile, but Annik didn't look satisfied.

"Just one more thing Rory, sorry to be hounding you, but…did Jess ever say I love you to you?" Annik asked and Rory froze, Annik was gazing at her with such intensity that Rory wanted to run away.

"Uh…" Rory mumbled, just at that moment, much to Rory's relief Jess walked into the room, saving Rory. "Jess, hi!"

"Um…hello." He replied, looking surprised, before coming over and kissing Annik gently on the foreheard.

"Well, I'll let you two talk. I'll be upstairs." Annik said to Jess who nodded. Rory watched Annik rise up the stairs and disappear.

"That was quite the ambush." Rory said, Jess looked embarrassed.

"Sorry, she's been being a bit weird at the moment, asking so many questions about you." Jess explained, Rory waved her hand.

"It's fine, she's curious." Rory smiled at Jess, he looked at her for a moment, then looked away, running his hand through his hair.

"So…you're here again…why?" He looked awkward, as if he knew what was coming.

"Relaying information about me to my mother? Totally uncool." Rory began, remembering that she was mad.

"She's worried, she had me kind of trapped. I felt like I had to." Jess snapped back.

"Since when do you let people control you like that Jess, that's not you!" Rory replied. She was angry that Jess was so different, so down the line, so average now. She had often thought about what it would be like running into Jess, he'd always be the same and she would fall for him all over again. Only now, he was polite, chatty. He wasn't him anymore.

"Sorry for growing up Rory. Not all of us decrease in maturity instead of gain it." He snarled, glaring at her.

"This isn't you Jess! Everything that attracted me to you, everything interesting, your personality, the you that I have thought about so many times isn't here anymore." Rory went on, feeling furious.

"Oh my god! Pot calling the kettle black! Look at you, you're a mess." He growled back. The girl that he had always looked up to, never gotten over and always thought of was gone. Replace by the personality of every other girl he had ever been with, completely forgettable and ultimately pathetic. "Why does it matter anyway Rory?"

Rory was silent, she looked at him, feeling tears fighting to get to the surface. "It matters." She said softly.

"Why Rory? Explain why!" He shouted, before covering his mouth, he didn't want to get Annik's attention.

"Because…You're the only thing from my past that is totally unforgettable." She practically whispered, tears escaping her eyes.

"You are seriously messed up Rory!" Jess snapped, after a moment of awkward silence, "What are you doing? It's been 6 years! You're getting all jealous and possessive over someone you haven't seen for 6 years! You said NO to me Rory, NO. Do you have any idea how that felt? I'm guessing not, because every guy just falls at your feet. Well, I'm not like that anymore Rory. I broke your heart, then you broke mine and that's it. You move on." Just was glaring at her, but she could see he was upset.

"I know you're over it. I'm over it to, I love Logan. You've just always been there in my mind. You told me you loved me! Then you ran off. You didn't even give me a chance to reply." Rory burst out, feeling completely ridiculous, she felt like she was 19 again, standing there with Jess on the streets of Stars Hollow.

"Oh and what would you have said huh? Get a life Jess! Oh my god Jess!" Jess said, impersonating Rory.

"I would have said that I loved you too!" Rory shouted. They were both silent.

"Well you didn't, and now it's over. I won't call your mother anymore, but seriously Rory. Go talk to her. I've never really been a big fan of your mother, but she's the only one that can help you. Because, you're not my responsibility and I'm not yours."

--

Rory unlocked the door to their apartment and went inside, the light was off so she flicked it on, she noticed the bedroom door was closed, but the light was on so she headed in there, opening the door softly, in case Logan was napping or something, but he was sitting up, head down, arms folded in his lap.

"Logan?" Rory asked nervously.

"Where have you been this time?" Logan replied, his voice sent a chill down Rory's back.

"I went to see Jess' publishing house. It's all cleaned up now, it looks really good." Rory babbled.

"I went over to Finn's this afternoon…saw you leaving there." Logan said softly, looking up at Rory now, she was frozen, she couldn't move if she had wanted to.

"Oh yeah, I was in the neighbourhood so I stopped by." Rory said, trying to sound off hand.

"Shut up Rory." Logan snapped, she did as she was told. He stared at her for a long time, "Do you think I don't see every single thing that you do? Every single guy you see behind my back? Your sudden need to go over to your ex-boyfriends house all the time- "

"It's not like that with Jess, it's complicat- " She began.

"I said Shut up Rory!" He shouted standing up, face to face with her. "I let you do whatever you want. As long as you come home to me at night. I love you Rory, I have waited patiently for a long time for the real you to come back. I've realised now that's she's gone. She's not coming back. I realised that when you went as far as to sleep with my BEST FRIEND." Logan looked away, as if he was disgusted. "How could you do that?"

"I don't know. Logan please, it's over. We ended it today. I promise, no more men. I'll do anything just to keep you!" Rory pleaded.

"Why should I Rory? Why should I stay with you? What do you offer me? All you do is mope around, or get all hyperactive, or drink way to much, or get high off god knows what. You don't work, you don't do anything." Logan was looking at her like she was some pathetic insect and Rory wanted to scream, but it wouldn't come out.

The day had started so simply, snuggling up with Finn, feeling like she was a million miles away, now everything in her life was falling apart. She had known it would happen one day, but it didn't stop it hurting any less.

"I want you to leave Rory. I don't ever want to look at you right now!" Logan said, turning his back on her.

"No, don't make me leave. I have no where to go. You're the only person who really loves me. I love you, no matter what. You're everything. I don't know what's wrong with me. Help me please." Rory fell on her knees and pulled at Logan but he didn't budge.

"Go home to your mother Rory. She's the only one that can help you."


	7. The Park

**Chapter 7**

Rory sat on a park bench, staring into the pond. It was dark, and she didn't know where she was going to go. Logan had offered to leave, but she had insisted, now there she sat all alone, clutching her bag and wishing she had thought to bring a coat.

"You found my spot." Said a voice from behind her, she turned to see Jess standing there, he had been smart enough to wear a coat.

"Figures, I go to a place to be alone, and one of the main people I don't want to speak to turns up. Life does have a funny way of kicking me in the teeth though, so I'm not surprised." Rory drawled, turning back to look at the pond, only able to see so much from the lights scattered along the pathway and the outskirts of the pond.

Jess sat down beside her without a word, all Rory could think about was the fact that Logan had known all the terrible things she was doing to him all along, known every lie she had ever uttered to him. She felt sick in the stomach.

"You know Rory. You've kind of turned into a bitch." Jess said, Rory swung her face to look at him, he was smirking at little, she let a small grin creep across her lips.

"Yeah. I know." Rory admitted, "You'd be pleased to know I used my bitch powers on Dean the other day."

"I know he called and told me." Jess replied.

"What!" Rory burst out.

"Relax, it's a joke." Jess told her, she slouched down, feeling stupid.

"What are you doing out tonight?" Rory asked, leaning down, picking up and rock and throwing it into the water.

"Home was a little tense. A lot of Rory based questions." Jess said, Rory nodded knowingly.

"Sorry I've caused you so much trouble." Rory apologized, she did genuinely feel bad about that. "I think it's time I face up to my actions."

"Oh yeah? Why the change of heart?" Jess asked curiously.

"Logan dumped me. About time too, I'm happy for him in a way. That he got up the guts to do what was right, no matter how much it hurt him. I deserved to be dumped years ago, but he held on." Rory felt herself tearing up, she shook herself mentally.

"I'm sorry…" Jess said softly. Rory sighed, leaning down and resting her head softly on Jess's shoulder, like she had done on his couch what seemed like forever ago.

"I wish my life had turned out differently." Rory confessed.

"I know you do." Jess replied.

Rory sat up again, looking at Jess' profile closely, he looked stern, serious, like he used to when she had fallen for him when she had been so young.

"Jess, can I ask you something?" Rory asked quietly, Jess looked at her, and he could see the old her, the innocent, slightly nervous creature.

"I guess…" He said slowly.

"Do you love Annik?"

"Wow…one of those questions." Jess looked awkward, and Rory immediately felt bad.

"Sorry…just forget I asked, it's not my business." Rory told him.

"No, it's fine. I don't know if I love her…She doesn't make me feel sick." Jess struggled to explain.

"Well…not feeling sick is definitely a positive." Rory nodded her head.

"No, I meant that as a bad thing. When you think about someone and you feel sick." Jess replied, Rory immediately thought of Logan. She wished she could go home to him and climb into bed and have him put his arm around her and hold her close.

"I've been sitting here for so long. Just looking at my life, all the things I've done, and all I can think is…I wish I could take everything back." Rory felt a tear escape and she let out a little sob. Jess sat awkwardly beside her, not knowing exactly what to do or say.

"I'm not good at talking about…feelings and that sort of thing. Well, you of all people know that…" Jess began, he looked nervous, Rory managed to contain her sobs to listen, "When I went to your dorm…so long ago…and you told me 'NO', something inside me cracked. I was a mess for a long time. I realised one day that, if I wasn't going to be happy with you, I had to make other parts of my life better." He raised an eyebrow, looking at Rory out of the corner of his eye.

"Keep going. Don't shut down now Jess, you're doing so good." Rory laughed, he rolled his eyes.

"I started…being nice to people. I stopped being so angry, so self righteous. I changed myself for the better, so that I could succeed in life. I have succeeded, I job I actually like, a gorgeous girlfriend, friends, money."

"I'm happy for you." Rory told him with a small nod.

"But I'm not. I feel like I'm being strangled with expectations. I'm not me, I let a piece of myself slip out and Annik gets so upset, she says I'm being a jerk. I have built up this fake person. This person…that if I had met when I was 18, I would have hated." Jess stared at his hands, looking angry and confused, he looked 18 again.

"You're still you Jess." Rory said, "Just…not so rough around the edges."

"That roughness. That was me." Jess sighed.

"You've just grown up. It happens to everyone, some of us, namely me, have to take a huge step backwards before they realise it's time. You realised it was time, and you cleaned yourself up." Rory gave him a small smile.

"I feel like I'm watching someone else's life. Things happen, and they are happening to me, but it feels surreal. When I ran into you on the street, and you threw up and you were so out of it, so thin, so rude, I looked down on you. I thought to myself, oh god, I can't get involved with a train wreck like this. I completely ignored the voice in the back of my head saying, this is Rory, the real Rory is lost in there somewhere, don't shut her out." Jess went on. Rory didn't think she had ever heard him speak this much in her life. "No one's ever known me like you did Rory… I can't believe I was looking down on you like that."

"I didn't feel like you were. I deserve it anyway Jess. I'm a mess. I've been a horrible person for so long. I don't know how I'm meant to turn back, or if I even can." Rory stared out into the pond, expressionless, serene looking now.

"How did you get this way Rory? What happened?" Jess asked gently.

--

"_You look good Ace." Logan told her, kissing her softly on the lips, "Better then me and I'm the one graduating." _

"_I want to make a good impression. Show that family of yours I'm too good for them, not the other way around." Rory grinned, hugging Logan tight. _

"_You'll never win with them Ace. Big Huntzberger trait, they survive through batteries, not hearts." Logan warned Rory, who rolled her eyes. _

"_I don't care. Because, after today we're going to have our own life. I've already told my mother, all we have to do is tell Mitchum to go to hell and it'll just be you and me." Rory smiled broadly and Logan returned the smile. _

"_I love you Ace. You're perfect." Logan told her, kissing her on both cheeks, the tip of her nose and then the lips. _

"_Ew…too cutesie." Rory said, wiping her face. _

"_What can I say, you do these things to me." Logan replied with a wink. _

"_I'm really excited about this book I'm working on. I've got some great ideas and I've already started writing up a plan." Rory babbled, feeling excited at the thought. _

"_I'm sure you'll be the next Hemmingway, only a woman, much more modern. Very in right now." Logan joked. _

"_Really, being a woman is in right now? Does Vogue know about you, you've obviously got your finger on the pulse." Rory giggled, grabbing her coat. "Let's go do this thing." _

_Rory watched Logan graduate and she was horrified to admit that she did tear up a little, she was so proud, he was graduating Yale. She was working on a book and he had big plans for his career. Things were falling into place for them, Lorelai and her weren't speaking but she knew when she handed her mother the published copy of her book the world would fall back into place. _

_After the ceremony Rory met up with Logan running at him and flinging herself on him, "Well done! I'm proud, like a mother or something. Congratulations as well you guys." She said as Finn and Colin walked up. _

"_Thank you kindly." Colin said bowing theatrically. _

"_The ladies will be eating out of the palm of my hand now that I'm a Yale graduate." Finn said, looking around as if he was expecting a flock of girls to come running. _

"_Yeah especially if you wear your robe around everywhere." Logan told him. _

"_We're heading out. Come join us later." Colin ordered Logan and him and Finn disappeared through the crowd. _

"_Come on soldier. Let's go get em." Rory said, giving Logan an encouraging pat on the back. _

_Logan gave Rory a nervous look before they made their way through the crowd to where Logan's parents stood, chatting away to some Yale Alumni or what have you. _

"_Logan my boy! Well done." Mitchum said, noticing Logan standing nearby. "Hope you're all packed for your big trip tomorrow. Remember raincoats, it's very wet in London." _

"_I'm not going to London." Logan snapped, Rory looked at him, a little started, he definitely wasn't beating around the bush. _

"_Excuse us won't you?" Mitchum said to the small crowd around him, they scattered and it was just Rory, Logan, Shira(__**A:N: Not 100 on the spelling or if that's even her name, mental blank) **__ and Mitchum. "What's gotten into you Logan?"_

"_I'm not interesting in working at Newspapers, I want to do my own thing. I don't want to leave Rory for a year. I'm not going, period." Logan snarled, Rory had expected him to drop this news more gently, less fiercely. _

"_I'm sorry Logan, but you can not just drop this the day before you leave. It's time to grow up, you don't have a say in this." Mitchum snapped, looking a little embarrassed that Logan was picking a fight in public. _

"_Me and Rory are moving to New York. A friend's already set me up with a great place at a good price." Logan told his parents, Shira let out a little whimper and Mitchum seemed to puff up to about twice his size. _

"_You." Mitchum roared, turning his attentions to Rory, "You've spoiled my boy. Choosing a stupid little girl over his work, his legacy." _

"_This was Logan's choice." Rory retorted. _

"_No! This is your revenge, because you can't hake that you have absolutely no writing talent whatsoever." Mitchum snarled. _

"_That's not true Dad! Rory's going to write a book." Logan defended Rory, putting his arm around her. _

"_Good luck getting it published dear. I know every publisher there is! I'll make sure your book never hits the shelves. You've destroyed my son!" Mitchum told her in a deathly whisper. _

_Rory felt herself tearing up, such threats, she knew he could do it, he could do anything. His name carried so much weight, no one wanted Mitchum for an enemy. Rory had somehow manage to become enemy number 1 on Mitchum's list and she could feel all her writing dreams falling apart. _

"_Don't contact me. You've just sealed the deal on this one Dad, you can't treat my girlfriend like this. Get the hell out of my life." Logan told Mitchum, before leading Rory through the crowd and out into a quiet part of the campus. _

"_Are you ok?" Logan asked Rory gently, as she wiped her tears away hurriedly. _

"_I'd love to pretend I am. He's threatened my livelihood. He hates me so much." Rory let out a soft sob that made Logan grab her and pull her close. _

"_He's a horrible person Rory, but I can protect you from him." Logan kissed the top of her head gently. Rory felt like all her hopes and dreams had been thrown out the window, she felt empty. _

_--_

Rory and Jess sat quietly in the dark park, Jess digesting the story Rory had just told him. She couldn't read his expression, he had the same expression on that he used to wear when he was reading.

He turned to look at her, she could see he was mad now, "I can't believe someone would do that to you."

"You've obviously never met Mitchum." Rory said, feeling a single tear escape her eye, Jess reached out and wiped it away.

"You should write your story. I'll publish it, just for your piece of mind. Just so you can send Mitchum a published copy. Just so you can stick it to him." Jess encouraged Rory who shrugged.

"What's the point? I let him get to me, I let my own fear of failure destroy me." Rory stood up and looked around the park, it was completely deserted. Jess stood up as well, facing her. "Thanks for listening, I've never spoken about it before."

"Glad you trust me." Jess replied. "Are you going back to Stars Hollow?"

"I don't know. I'm scared." Rory admitted, Jess took one of her hands in his and squeezed it encouragingly.

"It'll be ok." He told her.

"Why couldn't you have been like this when we were together? I can hardly believe how nice you've been to me tonight, so open." Rory looked at him.

Rory looked at Jess, and she looked at him, he looked scared, it was the second time she had ever seen him look afraid. He leant forward and kissed her gently on the lips, only for a second or two then he pulled away. Rory was shocked.

"Wh-what was that?" She stammered, touching her lips with the tips of her fingers.

"I don't know…" Jess replied, looking embarrassed.

"I wasn't expecting that…I mean…you're with Annik and…I would never have guessed you would do that in a million years, I mean…wow. It's unlike you to be spontaneous." Rory babbled.

"You Gilmore's, you never know when to leave well enough alone." Jess sighed, looking humiliated.

"I'm glad you did it." Rory told him, he looked down at his shoes.

"Well don't get used to it." Jess replied.

"Of course not." Rory shook her head.

"You were just looking at me…all…Rory-ee." Jess stammered.

"Rory-ee?" Rory smirked.

"I regret sitting down next to you in the park now." Jess sighed jokingly.

"In another life we would have been good together." Rory said, in all seriousness. "We met too young."

"I better get home to Annik." Jess said abruptly.

"Oh…ok…I should probably go find a home for the night." Rory chuckled a little. She riffled through her purse, pulling out a pen, "Here" She said grabbing his hand and scribbling her cell phone number down on this hand, "Keep in touch."

Rory walked off down the path way feeling lighter, bouncier. Jess had kissed her. She had revealed all her weakness, her insecurities, there was no secrets, but he had kissed her anyway. He had not done it because he wanted to run away with her or anything dramatic like that, but he had seen beauty in her, beauty he used to see before she had fallen apart.

She decided she would go to Finn's for the night, like rubbing salt into an open wound, she knew it was wrong but she had no where else to go, and she felt like she was going to freeze to death. Besides, she knew they had some talking to do.

Despite her heartbreak over Logan, she did feel like she had clarity for the first time in years. She knew what she had to do, to save herself from falling between the cracks of humanity.


	8. Now Or Never

**Chapter 8**

Rory looked up at Finn's building, she couldn't remember the last time a building was so intimidating, beside her grandparents house. Or Yale, or Chilton, ok so a lot of places had loomed over her in the past, but this was different. It was Finn's house, and Finn was anything but scary.

She took a deep breath and headed up the stairs and into the building, she reached his door and saw it was slightly ajar. Had someone broken in? Was Finn ok?

Rory tip-toed up to the door nervously and peered in, she couldn't see anything so she pushed the door open a little and saw Finn standing awkwardly on one side of his living room and Logan slumped in a chair his head in his hands on the other side. Finn caught sight of Rory and waved his hand frantically for her to get back, she stepped back quickly and stood in the hall, contemplating what her next move would be.

She started heading back down the hall, trying to think of where she would go next, if Logan was at Finn's perhaps she could just go home and sleep in the guest room. When she heard footsteps behind her. She turned around to see Finn coming after her.

"What are you doing here?" Finn asked her, he looked nervous and twitchy.

"I was coming to talk to you… apologize." Rory said slowly, looking over Finn's shoulder nervously, in case Logan came out. "What's he doing here?"

"He came over and he was furious, yelling at me, pushing me and stuff, then he just kind of broke down…he's just been sitting there for ages…not even crying…he's just…broken." Finn explained, he looked upset, Rory felt terrible, this was all her fault, she had ruined their friendship.

"I'm so sorry I've destroyed your friendship with Logan…I wasn't thinking." Rory mumbled, looking at her shoes.

"It's as much my fault as it is yours." Finn said, shaking his head at her apology.

"I feel so terrible…I really love him." Rory said, feeling tears rising up for what felt like the millionth time.

"I know you do love." Finn said, pulling her close with one arm and resting his chin on the top of her head.

"I'm sorry I hurt you." Rory sobbed, she buried her face into his chest.

"I asked for it." Finn replied, holding her tightly.

"I remember when I could even talk to boys. I'd consistently make a fool of myself, I never could have imagined myself behaving the way I have for so long." Rory said as she cried softly.

"I can hardly imagine you ever looking a fool." Finn said comfortingly.

"Except for the last 5 or so years of my life." Rory reminded him.

"Oh yeah, besides that." Finn said, Rory looked up at him and he grinned.

They were quiet, Rory wiped the tears away from her eyes, she smiled shyly up at Finn her face still shiny from the tears. She leant up and kissed him gently on the lips.

"I just wanted one last one…for good luck." Rory whispered, she ran her hands through her long hair and looked around the hall. "I'm going to go talk to Logan."

"I don't think that's such a good idea. He'll wonder what you're doing here in the first place…he's not in a good state to talk." Finn explained.

"I know. I'll tell him you called me because you didn't know what else to do…I just… I need to try and make him feel even a inch better then he does right now." Rory convinced Finn, he shrugged.

"I won't hang around. I'll go round Colin's for a while. Message me when you're done." Finn hugged her for a moment then left. Rory stood staring down the hall and Finn's door and slowly she made her way towards it, she felt ill, almost like she was going to faint but she made it. She opened the door quietly and stepped inside. Logan hadn't moved.

"Logan…" Rory said softly, he didn't move. "Logan…can we talk?"

Nothing. Except a little shake, was it a sob?

"I'll talk…I'm sure I've got a lot more talking to do then you anyway…you don't actually have to speak to me at all…I don't deserve it. I know I don't. I hope you don't think I'm fine with this break up. I know I've masked… pretty much every feeling I've had for the past… forever. Brushed everything off as if it's nothing. I'm not brushing this off." Rory told Logan. He lifted his head to look at her, she gave him a awkward little smile then he put his face back in his hands.

"I really did…do love you." Rory told him gently. "I've messed up probably the only good thing I had left in this world. I know I didn't act like I loved you… I can't even begin to imagine how I made you feel. I'm just really, really sorry. I'm not gonna beg for you to take me back, I know I don't deserve it."

Logan looked up at her again, he stood up and walked over to the couch, taking Rory's hand and sitting her down next to him, he looked at her closely, she looked back, trying not to blink, but her eyes started to water and she quickly looked away, into the bedroom where her and Finn had ended it. Sad.

Logan leant forward and hugged Rory tightly, she hesitantly hugged him back, he held onto her for what felt like forever, until he released her.

"I love you Rory." He told her softly, Rory smiled, feeling warm inside. "But, we can't go back, I have to look out for me." The warmth immediately disappeared.

"I understand, I really do." Rory told him with a simple nod. "I wish I had handled us differently. I'm going to spend the rest of my life wondering what if…" Rory looked down at her left hand, she looked at the beautiful engagement ring, the same engagement ring she had always looked at, the ring that had always made her smile. She pulled it smoothly from her finger and pushed it into Logan's hands. "Here."

Logan looked at the ring, he looked stunned for a moment, "No…Keep it Rory." He gave it back to her.

"I couldn't…I just couldn't." She tried to give it back but he shook his head.

"We happened. No point pretending with didn't. We spent almost 6 years together, that doesn't go away." Logan said, Rory sighed.

"I've been seeing you almost everyday for as long as I can remember, I can't believe that's going to end, it makes me panic just thinking about it." Rory told Logan truthfully.

"I'm not exactly thrilled either…maybe…eventually, we'll be able to talk again." Logan said slowly, "It's to painful right now." Logan paused for a moment, "What are you doing here anyway?"

"Finn called me, he was worried about you, didn't know what else to do. He's a good guy, I hope you two can be friends again." Rory sighed. "I'll go. I'll organize to come get some of my stuff later. I'll just let you breathe."

They looked each other a moment longer, Rory could feel herself wanting to cry again, but she cared to much about Logan to do it to him, to risk him feeling even the tiniest bit bad for her.

"Well…see ya." Rory said with a forced smile, getting up on the couch and leaving, making a special effort not to look back. Once she was out onto the street she got her cell phone out, dialed in a number.

"Meet me at the usual coffee shop, I really need to be with someone right now." She said, then hung up.

--

Rory sat taping her fingernail on the tabletop, staring at the door of the coffee shop her foot jiggling. Finally, in walked Christopher, looking concerned.

"Sorry I took so long, I had to drop GiGi off at a friends place, she was already asleep but I didn't want to leave her alone." Chris said, hugging Rory then sitting down across from her.

"Oh Dad, I'm sorry I didn't even think. I'm so stupid." Rory snapped.

"You're my daughter too Ror, are you okay? What's going on?" Chris asked.

"Logan broke up with me, well deserved believe me." Rory told her father, Chris looked awkward, he'd never been fabulous and Dad advice, even though him and Rory were closer then they ever had been before.

"Hun, that really sucks." Chris said, struggling to find something to say. "Is it definitely over?"

"Baring the possibility of Logan suffering memory loss or a stroke, I'd say yep." Rory sighed. "I feel like crap dad, I haven't had a proper meal in… I can't even remember. I send people messages, and I can't remember to spell things. I didn't even recognize Dean straight away when I ran into him. I cheated on my boyfriend with his best friend, among other people, and I'm just so tired Dad. I feel like I'm about to fall apart. Disappear into a cloud of smoke."

Chris came and sat in the chair next to Rory and came in close, putting his arm around her.

"Honey, I love you…and I think you know what I'm going to say." Chris said slowly, Rory rolled her eyes, "You need to go home to your mom."

"I know! I know I do. But she doesn't want me. I've screwed with enough people. Having to see Logan's broken heart is enough for me, I don't want to see Mom and how upset she is anymore." Rory told her father.

"That's fair enough, but Rory…that's also a cop out and you know it." Chris snapped, Rory looked around at him, surprised at his aggression, "You know I love you, I moved to New York to be close to you, to protect you, now I haven't done a great job at that, but I know the best piece of advice I can give you is talk to your Mom. Make up with her."

Rory looked at her father, then down at her watch, it was almost 1 in the morning.

"Can you give me a lift?" Rory asked.

"Now?" Chris replied.

"Or never."

--

It was getting light by the time Rory and Christopher drove into Stars Hollow, their organizational skills were not good.

"I think we should go back." Rory burst out, feeling more nervous then she had in a long time.

"Yeah right. You can walk back my friend." Chris replied with a chuckle. Rory slouched down in her seat looking sulky.

They pulled into Lorelai's driveway soon after and Rory looked up at it. Her stomach was tying itself in knots but she tried to look as calm as possible.

"Do you need to head back straight away?" Rory asked, dreading the answer.

"No, GiGi's right, they can look after her for as long as I need. They understand this is an emergency." Chris said, Rory sighed with relief.

"Good, because I don't think I could do this without you." Rory told him with a nervous smile.

"I'll be right beside you, think of me as a buffer." Chris grinned.

"And here I used to be so used to being the buffer, this is going to take some adjusting." Rory replied. They both climbed out of the car and made there way to the front door. "Why do I feel like I'm my mother and I'm standing at Emily's door?"

Chris knocked rapidly on the door, "Dad! I'm not composed!"

"Now or never." Chris reminded her.

"Yeah, yeah." Rory sighed, "Remember when I only used to see you a couple of times a year. That was fun right?"

"Charming daughter." Chris cooed, tugging on Rory's cheek.

They heard footsteps coming down the stairs and Lorelai yell, "Kirk if that's you again I'm going to kill you, I told you yesterday that- "

The door swung open and Lorelai fell quiet, looking from Chris to Rory.

"Mommy…" Rory said, tears welling up in her eyes.

"Rory?" Lorelai asked, looking stunned and amazed.

"I'm ready to come home now." Rory burst into tears and fell forward hugging her mother tightly, Lorelai looked at Chris, still stunned then gently wrapped her arms around Rory.

"It's about time." Lorelai whispered gently.

--

The minute Rory lay down on her old bed she fell straight to sleep, emotionally and physically drained. Lorelai and Chris sat in the kitchen.

"I don't know what to say to her Chris. She's really hurt me. I'm happy she's home, but it's not that simple." Lorelai said.

"I know it isn't Lor, but you can't be that high and mighty you got pregnant and bailed on your parents, at least Rory doesn't have a kid." Chris reminded her.

"Tread very lightly there Chris, you are on thin ice. I ran away and I got a job, I was working towards something, Rory has just been drifting aimlessly, partying and hanging with that boyfriend of hers." Lorelai spat the word boyfriend like it tasted particularly disgusting.

"He broke up with her Lor." Chris told her quietly, nervous that Rory would wake up and hear them talking.

"Really? Wow. I thought they would never break up, what happened?" Lorelai's curiosity and love for gossip getting the better of her.

"He had enough of her. Her cheating. He's really torn up and Rory just feels absolutely terrible." Chris informed her.

"She cheated on him!" Lorelai gasped, Chris shushed her hurriedly.

"Many times, many different people. Logan knew all along but kept his mouth shut, he was worried about Rory, her destructive behavior, but he wanted to be there for her when she did finally break down. Only, her latest mistress…manstress? Is that a word, anyway, was Finn…Logan's best friend." Chris whispered.

"I don't think there is such a word as manstress, does have a nice ring to it though. But more importantly, who has Rory become? I didn't raise her to be like this." Lorelai felt sick.

"The kids depressed. She's messed up. She needs our help, and now she's finally asking for it. We have to be here for her, not mad. I know you're furious, you're heartbroken. I'm just saying, you need to be aware of her. This is our Rory we're talking about, she has to be really messed up to go so long, so many years, trying to destroy herself and pretend she's someone she isn't." Chris looked at Lorelai with pleading eyes.

"Wow. Who'd have thought you'd be the one being mature and reasonable and I would be the one sulking and being difficult." Lorelai smiled at him.

"You have every right to sulk and be difficult. Just remember, our Rory. Our golden girl. We can get her back. If we try." Chris convinced her.

"I'll try. I can't promise I'll be able to contain my hurt. But, you're right. We'll try." Lorelai forced out a optimistic smile.

"No need to pull such a forced face Lor. You're not even convincing your cow napkin holder." Chris laughed.

"Leave Daisy out of this." Lorelai retorted.

"Daisy? That's not very original." Chris baited her.

"Sometimes a classic is better then originality." Lorelai snapped back.

"You're too easy." Chris stood up, stretching. "Hey, mind if I go upstairs and have a nap in your bed, I've had no sleep."

"Uh…well…actually Chris…I…" Lorelai stumbled over her words.

"I know it'll be a pigsty. I've met you before." Chris reminded her.

"No, it's just…Luke's asleep upstairs." Lorelai blurted out.

"Oh…" Chris said, there was an awkward pause, "I'm guessing he wouldn't be happy if I went up there and had a little snuggle with him?"

"Yeah, probably not." Lorelai replied.

"The couch it is." Chris said.

"Actually Chris, I don't know how thrilled Luke would be if he saw you here at all." Lorelai told him.

"Oh, c'mon Lor. I brought Rory back, I'm not going to stay here long. I might even leave later today if it's that uncomfortable for you. But, Rory wants me to stick around a bit, and I want to." Chris informed Lorelai.

"Fine…just…don't be…so…Christopher." Lorelai jabbered crazily.

"I'll do my best." Chris said, raising an eyebrow and giving Lorelai his best 'you're crazy' look. He left the kitchen and went and lay down on the couch leaving Lorelai alone.

She went and stood at Rory's doorway, watching her sleep. She was so thin and frail, her long burgundy hair practically ate her up. Her clothes were tiny, but still hung off her. She needed many many fixes of Luke's burgers, and chili fries…oh and bacon.

Lorelai frowned, what was she thinking. She couldn't go getting excited about Rory's return, Rory had broken her heart. She was going to help Rory get better, be happy again, but Rory still had a lot to make up to with Lorelai as well.

She noticed Rory shuddering and went over, pulling the blankets up over her, Rory stirred, "Logan?" Rory mumbled opening her eyes blearily.

"No, it's Mom." Lorelai whispered softly.

"Oh…" Rory said, remembering Logan was gone, she burst into tears suddenly, Lorelai froze.

"What are you doing?" Lorelai asked stupidly.

"Exactly what it looks like." Rory replied through loud sobs.

"Why did I do this to him? I love him so much. I can't breathe. Everything's upside down, Logan's gone, I can't see Finn, Jess kissed me-" Rory babbled.

"Jess kissed you?" Lorelai cut in.

"All I ever wanted was Logan. Now, I'll never have him again and I hurt him, I hate that I did that." Rory wept, Lorelai sat down slowly, and nervously started patting Rory's hair. Eventually Rory calmed down and drifted back to sleep.

Lorelai gazed down at her, a mixture of feelings, "You're back." She whispered softly.


	9. Ignoring the Circus

**Chapter 9**

Rory awoke a full day later, the sun was already up, she felt confused as she looked around the room, it took a while for the memories of the previous day to come flooding back.

She sat up slowly and noticed her Chilton uniform laid out at the bottom of her bed, she smirked with a small role of her eyes, climbing out of bed. She went into the kitchen where her mother was sipping coffee and reading the paper.

"Funny." Rory said, Lorelai looked up.

"Well…I thought you wanted to be like you used to be…to far back?" Lorelai asked a playful grin on her face.

"Mm…" Rory grunted going and pouring herself a cup of coffee. "Where's Dad?"

"On his laptop on the couch." Lorelai informed her. "Logan called for you by the way."

"He did?" Rory said, her eyes lighting up.

"Don't get excited, he wanted to talk about when you could come get your stuff, apparently he's going away for a couple of weeks, so that'll give you a chance to find a new place and get rid of your stuff." Lorelai replied.

"You really could have led with that." Rory sighed stiffly.

"Yeah, you could have been around for the last…say…6 years?" Lorelai replied sarcastically. Rory didn't say anything, she didn't feel like getting into it right then.

"I'm gonna go for a walk around town. Reacquaint myself with the place." Rory said, sipping the remains of her coffee and putting it down on the table. "Bye dad!" Rory called as she headed out the back door.

"Be good! Leave Dean alone!" He called back.

"What about Dean?" Lorelai asked as Rory ducked out, eager to avoid that particular discussion. She walked around her house and out into the street, smiling a little at the old jeep, a little worse for wear. Then, she noticed a slightly nicer car parked on the street. It was Finn's shiny black sports car. He was sitting in the front seat.

Rory tilted her head to the side, confused and surprised. He waved to her through the window then it came down and he put his arm out the window and gave her a wink, she gave a hesitant smile in return.

"What are you doing here?" Rory asked, coming over to stand at the window.

"I'm here to see Babette." Finn replied.

"How do you know who Babette is?" Rory asked, even more confused.

"I've been parked out here for a while, I've been introduced to all her gnomes too." Finn informed Rory who snorted.

"Why didn't you come knock on the door?" Rory said.

"I'm scared of your mother." He told her, Rory snorted again. "That one wasn't meant to be funny."

"Oh…well…I'm scared of her too." Rory said with a small shrug.

"Get in." Finn ordered Rory, who got in without argument.

"So…why have you driven all the way to Stars Hollow?" Rory asked.

"Must you spoil this with 'why's' ?" Finn sighed.

"We don't have to. I'm quite good at ignoring the elephant in the room. I could probably ignore the whole freakin' circus if you wanted me too." Rory grinned, Finn let a small smile escape his lips.

"No…it's ok. It's no big deal. I just missed you." Finn informed her.

"It's only been a couple of days." Rory replied slowly.

"We can ignore that circus now." Finn said flatly, looking embarrassed.

"Ok, take me to the diner then." Rory smiled gently.

--

Finn pulled up across the road from the diner and they climbed out of the car, it beeped loudly as he locked it. Rory walked around the stand in front of Finn.

"I'm glad you're here." Rory told him, standing on her tiptoes and kissing him on the cheek.

"What happened to Jess?" Someone said, Rory spun around and saw Dean standing on the other side of the road.

"Oh…awkward…" Rory said in a sing-song voice.

"Who's that?" Finn asked just quiet enough for Rory to hear.

"Ex-boyfriend. I may have been a little bit cruel to him at some point…" Rory informed Finn who smirked.

"I think I recognize him from that party your grandparents threw for you. You know…the one where you were tossed around like a piece of meat." Finn winked at her.

"Wow…you remember that." Rory was impressed.

"More then you know." Finn told her. Rory looked up at him, growing to like him more and more by the second. A pang of guilt hit her as she thought of Logan. She missed him so much. She realised Dean was still standing there looking at her furiously.

"Oh yeah…sorry Dean." Rory shook her head, coming out from her thoughts, "I was messing with you when I saw you last."

"I figured that." Dean snapped back rudely.

"Look…it would take me to long to explain why and what exactly I was trying to do last time I saw you. Besides, I'm saving that for a Psychiatrist." Rory told Dean who rolled his eyes.

"You're pathetic." Dean spat, Rory gave a small shrug. She didn't really care what Dean had to say.

"Look mate!" Finn snapped, going over to stand in front of Dean, pointing a finger in his face. "You don't know anything about this girl. Step off or I'll make you."

Rory grinned, it was unnecessary and Dean had every right to speak to her like that but it didn't stop her from wanting to throw herself at Finn and mount him. Ew. She was trying to change her ways and this thought pattern wasn't helpful.

"Finn, it's ok…" She went over and took his hand, pulling him away, "Really."

"You can't let some small town loser treat you like that." Finn snapped, giving Dean a look as if daring him to try something.

"Believe me, I treated him 10 times worse, just give me a minute…" Rory squeezed Finn's hand then let go, going over to Dean.

"That guy is giving Australian's a bad name." Dean said, glaring at Finn who gave him the finger.

"And giving off the idea that Australian's have sweet asses." Rory replied, looking at Finn for a moment.

"You're a very different Rory." Dean pointed out, as if Rory didn't know that herself.

"I'm sorry for how I was last time. I've moved back to Stars Hollow so you'll be seeing more of me. So lets at least try to be civil, or pretend like we don't know each other." Rory suggested.

"Fine… I have permission to throw you the occasional dirty look though." Dean informed her.

"Of course, that's your prerogative." Rory grinned.

"Dean…" Rory looked over to see Lindsay standing outside Doose's, calling him and eyeing Rory nervously.

"Yet another reason to politely ignore each other." Rory said with a nod in Lindsay's direction.

Rory turned and walked back over to Finn, putting her skinny arm around his waist. "Oh, my big protector."

"Don't make fun of me. I hate that guy." Finn was still glaring at Dean as he walked away with Lindsay. "Very hot girlfriend though."

"She's his ex-wife. Current girlfriend." Rory told Finn, implying scandal.

"Oh…ex-wife…why would she become an ex?" Finn raised an eyebrow.

"What can I say I'm simply irresistible." Rory chuckled, doing a little twirl on the spot.

"Good lord, you attract drama." Finn chuckled, putting his arm around her shoulders. She felt the warmth for his arm, and she still had her arm around his waist, she let it drop slowly and took a step back.

"This is wrong Finn." She said slowly.

"What is? Breaking up marriages? Everyone knows that…" Finn looked at her, waiting for an answer.

"You being here." She informed him, he looked hurt for a moment but then he nodded.

"I know it is love. But, I wanted to see you." Finn said, looking sheepish.

"And I'm happy to see you too, don't get me wrong. But, I'm trying to change, and Logan and I only just broke up, if he knew you were here he'd be even more hurt." Rory sighed, running her hands through her hair.

"For the first time ever, me seeing you, being alone with you isn't wrong. I know it would hurt Logan, but he ended it. I don't want to stop seeing you." Finn told Rory who let a small smile escape.

"I like you Finn. I'm in love with Logan still, that doesn't go away after a couple of days. I've been with him for what seems like forever. I feel like dating you would be wrong, considering I'm trying to stop my self destructive ways." Rory shrugged, feeling a weird feeling in her stomach. "I think I'm hungry…"

"You? Hungry?" Finn looked surprised, "I don't think I've ever seen you eat more then an apple."

"I don't think I've felt hungry for more then an apple in forever." Rory grins slowly. "Let's go get burgers…Oh! And Chili fries…pie…how I've missed Luke's pie."

"So…I guess it's ok we hang out?" Finn says slowly.

"No, but we'll work that out after pie." Rory winks and heads into the diner, Finn following a couple of meters behind.

--

"How did I survive without pie? I know why I've been such a crazy bitch for so long, I have been suffering from pie withdrawals. You never think it's happening to you…this addiction…I have a problem." Rory babbled as they climbed into Finn's car.

"A pie problem?" Finn said, looking at her as if she was insane.

"Don't joke about it. It's a serious matter." Rory replied, a mock-appalled look on her face.

She did her seatbelt up, when suddenly Finn leant over and kissed her softly on the lips, she was startled, but not mad.

"What was that for?" She asked, touching her lips.

"Thought you might need a little comfort…what with your addiction and all." Finn told her, she smiled.

They were silent as he drove back to her house, she broke the silence by saying, "One date."

"What?" Finn asks, puzzled.

"You and I. One date. And not for a while. Eventually though…you and I can go on a date." She told him.

"Like a real one? Like…a kiss at the end of the night date?" He smiled.

"Not for a while though." She reminded him.

"Believe me I can wait." He takes her hand in his and kisses it as he pulls up outside her house.

"I'm glad you came." She told him, he didn't say anything he was looking at her verandah, his mouth open a little. "What?" She turned to look, Logan was sitting on the porch. "Oh no. You have to go."

"We should just talk to him, tell him it's innocent…friends hanging out…" Finn stumbled over his words.

"That'd be lying, something I'm trying not to do. Besides, talking to us together would only hurt him. Please…just go. Call me sometime." Rory squeezed his hand then let it go, climbing out of the car. She made her way slowly towards Logan, listening to the sound of Finn drive away.

"I brought some of your stuff back for you…"Logan muttered, not looking at her. She noticed the boxes on the verandah. "You didn't call back and I'm going away tomorrow so…"

"Thanks." She replied, standing awkwardly in front of him.

"I brought these for you too." Logan said, meaning the bunch of sunflowers he held in his hand.

"Logan…" Rory began, but nothing else came.

"I don't know why I came here. I just…I wanted to talk…I'd calmed down a bit…" Logan was talking in a monotone, still not looking at her. "And you need your stuff, you are a girl who likes…stuff…"

"I didn't ask Finn to come, he just turned up." Rory explained.

"He missed you. I know that feeling all to well." Logan sighed softly, dropping the sunflowers onto the ground in front of him. "Your stuff missed you too."

Rory bent down and picked them up, holding them close to her, "You missed me?"

"Am I stupid or what?" Logan answered.

"Anything but." Rory informed him. "I missed you too Logan. More then anything. This…us…it's killing me."

"Just hang out with Finn, get him to take your mind of it." Logan spat back, finally looking at her, the look was a filthy one.

"I'm sorry Logan. I don't know what to say. Other then I love you…but I know that doesn't carry much weight." Rory took a seat on the step next to Logan, he didn't recoil.

"I really love you Rory." Logan told her, Rory felt sick, she hated this, what she had done to him. "Do you like Finn?" There was a short pause.

"I do like him. I don't think we'll ever really be anything. Bad timing. He's the reason we're over…well…I am. But he was there, I don't think we could ever be serious." Rory told Logan truthfully, he nodded understandingly.

"He really likes you Rory. Be careful with him. I've been watching the way he is with you, the way he used to look at you when he thought I wasn't looking, when he thought you weren't looking even. He's not big on girls…well…actually having serious feelings for girls. Be gentle." Logan told Rory. She couldn't believe how amazing he was being, still worried about Finn's feelings.

"I'd do anything to get you back." Rory whispered, resting her head on his shoulder.

"I wish I was stupider. Then I never would have realised when you cheated, I could have been obliviously happy." Logan sighed, standing up.

"If you'd been stupid I wouldn't have loved you like I do." Rory shot back.

"It's a catch 22." Logan shrugged, turning to leave. "Be safe Ace."

"Why did you bring me flowers?" Rory asked as he walked away.

"I'm a fool." Logan called as he climbed into his car.

Rory watched him drive away, hurting inside more then ever. She wanted a drink desperately, just one drink. She was having a truly crappy time and she definitely deserved it.

No. That was the bad Rory talking. She needed to do something else. Anything else. Just not destroy her body. She got out her phone and typed a text message.

**SOS. Come to Stars Hollow before small town charm strangles me to death.**

She sent it to Jess.

Better to destroy her emotions then her body she thought with a sigh.

She had the drink anyway.


	10. But Also, I Hate You

**Chapter 10**

Rory sat on the bridge, her legs dangling over the side, a bottle of wine in her hand, it was getting dark, even a little cold, but the alcohol in her system kept her from feeling it. She could think of nothing but Logan.

Logan and his sunflowers.

Logan on her porch with sunflowers.

Logan driving away.

Logan saying he loved her.

She drank deeply from the bottle then set it down beside her. She watched a swan swim past slowly, ripples forming from its body and traveling through the water.

"My black eye." Rory heard someone say, she looked around to see Jess coming across the bridge, she smiled a little. He had come.

"What about it?" Rory asked as he sat down beside her, shooting the bottle of wine a short glance, which Rory saw but ignored.

"A swan beaked me in the eye." Jess told her, smirking a little. She snorted a laugh then covered her face.

"I just snorted…" She said, giggling a little.

"I won't tell anyone." Jess assured her, nudging her shoulder with his.

"So you actually came." Rory smiled a little.

"I actually came." Jess replied.

"Why?" She asked him, he shrugged a little looking over the water, his eyes following the swan's path.

"I feel like we're friends." Jess explained to her, "Real friends. A real friend would have come."

"You are a real friend Jess." Rory told him and he smiled a little.

"I'm glad." He said, glancing at the bottle again.

"Yes I'm drinking." Rory said and Jess shot her an awkward look. "I had a crappy day."

"Watch really crappy TV or read a book. Talk to your mum or dad, even pick a fight with Dean… just… not this." Jess reached over her for the bottle and she let him take it. He dropped it into the water with a quiet plop.

"It was really bad wine anyway." Rory told him, smiling a little.

"If it had been good wine I would have let you go right ahead." Jess winked, taking his jacket off and putting it around Rory's shoulders.

"I can't feel the cold." She told him.

"You will in the morning when you're nose is running and you can't stop coughing." He replied.

"Thanks." She said, leaning against him softly, resting her head on his shoulder. They were quiet for a while, she was glad he was there. She needed a friend, more then anything. She had Lane, but Lane was a mother and a wife now, she had responsibilities and Rory didn't want to burden her with her problems.

She remembered being friends with Paris, it felt like another lifetime ago. Paris could be a doctor by now. It made Rory sick, her and Paris had always competed, now Rory was sitting on the bridge, stinking of wine, having achieved nothing.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Jess said quietly, Rory sat up and looked at him. Did she?

"Not yet." She replied, her voice sounding a little choked as she tried to hold back her tears. "How's Annik?"

"Urghh…" Jess ran his ran through his hair and looked down into his lap before answering, "Not great…gone actually."

"Oh my god, why?" Rory asked, feeling terrible for Jess.

"We talked. She wanted marriage, all this stuff…kids…" Jess went on.

"Well that's good isn't it. I mean, you love her and she loves you." Rory said, waiting for more.

"She sure does love me. But, I've thought about it and I don't love her. She's great…she is really is. It just isn't there, like…" Jess began, but he fell quiet, chuckling nervously and looking away from Rory.

"Like what?" Rory asked obliviously.

"Like it was with you." Jess blurted out quickly.

"Oh." Rory grunted, looking away as well. "So this means what?"

"I don't know. That Annik is gone. I've got to keep searching for something that makes me feel…well…the way you did." Jess gave a small smile, and Rory could have sworn he was blushing.

"Yeah…well…" Rory struggled for something to say, "Don't up and leave on her when you do find her."

"Ouch, cold!" Jess said, pushing her a little, she chuckled. Rory pushed him back.

"You'll find her." She assured him, taking his hand in hers and giving it a little squeeze. "You're a catch."

"Clique number 4124…" Jess replied.

"Shut up! I'm trying to be nice and supportive." Rory replied, with mock outrage.

"I know I know, I'm sorry." Jess replied, putting his arm around her and pulling her close. "Come on, lets go get you some food to soak up that wine."

"You're buying." She informed him.

"For a real friend…anything." He smiled. They looked at each other for a moment, but then the moment passed and Jess climbed to his feet, helping the wobbly Rory up with him.

- - - - -

Rory's phone rang and she pulled it out of her pocket, it was Finn.

"Outside!" Luke barked from behind the counter, not bothering to look up.

"I'll just be a sec." Rory told Jess before going out onto the cold street and answering.

"Hey Finn." Rory said.

"Wow, you sound drunk." Was his reply.

"How the hell…all I said was 'Hey Finn'…" Rory was amazed.

"Your voice sort of goes up an octave… it's all squeaky when you drink." He informed her.

"Great, as if I don't have enough to worry about now I have to be self conscious about my drunken mouse voice." Rory chuckled.

"What happened with Logan?" Finn asked, serious now.

"The usual, his heart was ripped out further, as was mine. It's all my fault. I got drunk, now Jess is force feeding me food." Rory listed the events to Finn who was quiet for a while.

"I'm sorry Rory." He said finally.

"It's not your fault." Rory told him.

"I hate that you're upset. At least Jess is looking after you, tell her thanks for me. I'm glad you have a friend." Finn said, Rory let out a small laugh.

"Jess is a guy." She told him.

"Oh…" Finn replied, sounding a little weird, was it jealousy?

"I'm sure I've mentioned him before to you, the one that opened the publishing house?" Rory tried to jog his memory.

"I can't remember, maybe you did." Finn replied, trying to sound off-hand. "So I'm interrupting your date, sorry."

"If you're trying to find out subtly if there is something going on between me and Jess the answer is no Finn." Rory told him, sounding amused.

"That obvious huh?" Finn sounded embarrassed.

"You're practically standing in front of me dressed in fleuro orange and green, screaming look at me." Rory told him.

"Great. I better go." Finn said.

"Ok, call me soon. We'll discuss that date." Rory ordered him.

"You still want to do that?" Finn sounded surprised.

"Might as well give it a try. Bye cutie." Rory hung up. She stood on the street, smiling to herself a little, and for a moment the sadness about Logan disappeared and a little excitement took its place.

- - -

"You're ok then?" Jess asked for about the millionth time, they were walking back to Rory's house.

"Jess I'm fine, you have taken perfect care of me." Rory replied snappily.

"Yeah, but I mean… inside your own head. About Logan and everything." Jess said.

"Jess…please… Right now I'm just dreading going inside my house, because I know I'll have to speak to my mother… I can't even try to think about Logan right now." Rory sighed. She was absolutely exhausted. Jess reached out and took her hand in his, squeezing it gently. "You old softy." Rory said, causing him to let go immediately. "So are you going back to New York?"

"It's a bit late, I might just stay in Luke's apartment." Jess said with a shrug.

"Great, then we will have breakfast tomorrow and you can nag me all you like. Won't that be fun." Rory nudged him playfully.

Jess rolled his eyes, letting her laugh at him. "Alright fine."

They reached Rory's house and she looked at the house then back at Jess, "Well…this is me."

"You're getting back to your smart ways already Gilmore." Jess replied.

"And you're getting back to your mean, reckless 'look at me I'm a bad boy' ways as well." Rory shot back.

"The world makes sense again." Jess said with a small smile.

"I guess it does." Rory sighed, then turned and went into her house, only looking back once to see Jess still standing there, staring at his feet.

Rory went inside, no one was around so she slunk into her room, eager not to talk to anyone. She noticed her old laptop still sitting on her desk and wondered if it still worked. She switched it on and it was functioning fine.

She hadn't checked her emails for a while so she went straight into her account and saw that she had some new ones.

Pointless ad…pointless ad… DAR Luncheon (she still got reminders and it had been years, what a scandal it would have been if she actually bothered to show up for one) … email from Lane…Email from Logan…

It had been received only an hour earlier. She opened it, feeling sick and nervous.

_Rory, _

_I'm on the plane, I have a little bag of peanuts next to me, remember how much you love them? I almost asked the flight attendant…sorry… Stewardess for some extras for you, but then I remembered. Sad right? _

_I miss you Ace. _

_You're the one person I could always talk to about my problems, so this situation really sucks. I guess that's why I'm writing this. _

_I want to skip forward to when this will stop hurting so we can be friends again, but I don't know if that will ever happen. _

_You're a good person Rory. I hope you find your way back to your true self. Go back to college Rory, it's not to late, you know that. _

_I know I played a part in you become everything I know you didn't want to be. I encouraged you to move with me to New York, I should have made you go back to Yale. I spoiled you. _

_You made me a better person though, I love you more then anything. _

_But, also. I hate you. _

Rory read over it twice more, feeling worse then ever, she hadn't even thought it possibly to feel any worse. Those last 5 words stabbed at her like a knife. She couldn't get them out of her head.

She slammed the laptop shut and sat there, feeling panicky, jittery. She stood up and passed back and forwards, shaking her hands in front of her, wanting more then anything not to cry. She grabbed the bag she had brought with her and opened it, pulling out the skimpiest dress she could find, she put it on.

She looked at her frail frame, she looked horrible, how had she not noticed before. She could see each one of her ribs through the dress.

She untied her hair and shook it out, scrunching her hands in it, trying to give it volume.

Then, without even bothering to put shoes on she ran out of the house, lucky to avoid Lorelai or her father. She ran non-stop to the diner. The light was off, Luke wasn't in there, but she could see a light on upstairs.

She reached up above the door frame…ever reliable Luke… there was the key. She unlocked the door hastily and hurried upstairs. She knocked on the office/apartment door and a moment later Jess opened the door.

Without a word, Rory leapt forward, throwing her arms around him, she kissed him.


	11. Bucks, Hens, And Two Too Many Men!

**This next chapter seems like a bit of a mess to me but I did the best I could, it's leading on to some good stuff, it's just setting everything all up. I still haven't completely decided who I'm going to get Rory with in the end, I've always been very partial to Jess…very VERY partial, but i've made myself like Logan and Finn now too. Ha ha ha ha. Never fear, there will be some good stuff with each of the boys. **

**Chapter 11**

Jess was startled, his mind froze. It was as if time was suspended. Then, gently, he took her by the shoulders and pulled her back softly, he didn't yank her away, just separated them.

"What are you doing?" He practically whispered.

Rory opened her eyes and looked at him. He was giving her a look that Logan used to give her when she'd do something incredibly bad, something she knew he had thought her incapable of, it was a look of horrified disappointment.

"This is what you want, isn't it?" Rory asked.

"What makes you think that?" Jess replied, giving nothing away in his voice.

"I don't know…you kissed me in the park…and you said you broke up with Annik because it wasn't like it was with me…" Rory went on, beginning to feel a little embarrassed.

"Yeah…but you and I were a long time ago Rory…a really long time. Why are you really doing this? What's happened?" He could see right through her and she felt so ashamed.

"Nothing happened." Rory said flatly, going over to the couch and flopping down.

"Wow, that was convincing." Jess replied sarcastically, taking a seat next to her, looking at her expectantly. Rory knew she wasn't going to get out of telling him what was wrong.

"Logan sent me an email." Rory informed Jess.

"Oh, wow. This is about Logan, now THAT I was not expecting." Jess replied, teasingly, giving her a cheeky grin. Rory glared at him.

"Do you want to know or do you want to just make fun of me when I already feel like an idiot?" Rory snapped crankily.

"Ok, ok, I'm sorry, what did the email say?" Jess asked, looking serious now.

"That he was going to get me peanuts but realised he couldn't. That he spoiled me. That I made him better. That he loves me. That he hates me." Rory babbled, knowing it wouldn't make any sense.

"Wow and he managed to tie all that together so it made sense, even the bit with the peanuts?" Jess was holding back his smirk for the sake of Rory's feelings.

"Yes, beautifully." Rory said, looking completely depressed.

"So you came over here and threw yourself at me because…?" Jess said slowly.

"Because I didn't want to think about Logan. I didn't want to have to deal with it. It's all I can think about and it's driving me crazy, I just wanted a distraction." Rory explained.

"Wow, make a guy feel special." Jess said snidely.

"I'm sorry…" Rory said giving him a small smile.

"No, I'm serious Rory, I don't deserve that." Jess replied, dead serious, the smile on Rory's face fell.

"Jess…I don't know what to say…I thought you would understand." She felt sick, she'd only made things worse, she hated herself.

"What if I did have feelings for you Rory? What if I had let something happen between us, the next morning you'd be right back in it, only with one less friend." Jess went on, "I think you should leave."

"But Jess…you're the only person I have left who I can really talk to about all this." Rory said, feeling panicky.

"You're bringing me in too deep Rory." Jess told her quietly, not looking her in the eye. "You obviously don't respect me or my feelings if you're willing to act this way. You were willing to use me as a distraction, as some cruel game."

"No, it's not like that Jess, I just wasn't thinking." Rory said, grabbing at his hand, but he pulled it away.

"Go. Please. I was happy to be your friend, you said we were real friends. But it was all lies. You don't really care about Logan, you just want to be surrounded by guys. I'm not going to be one of them." Jess was standing up now, he walked over to the door and opened it. "Please…just go."

"Jess…I'm sorry…please." She walked over to him and stood in front of him, looking into his eyes, but he looked away.

"Come on Rory. You need to figure this out alone. I wanted to be a friend to you, but I can't let you use me as a distraction. You're smart enough to set yourself straight." Jess told her, not looking at her.

"Fine!" Rory snarled, making Jess flinch and look at her, "I really thought you understood what I was going through! I thought you cared! But, I make one mistake and you shove me away! I'm not perfect little Rory anymore Jess, in fact I never was and I don't think you ever realised it. Take me off that pedestal you have me on and call me when you realise friends don't ditch each other after a couple of slip ups."

Rory stormed out of the apartment.

- - -

Three months later Rory's life had shakily found its way to something that could be viewed as coming together.

"You can go home for the night if you want, it's pretty dead." Luke told her and she grinned at him.

"I always get the special treatment because my mum is sleeping with the boss." Rory smiled and Luke rolled his eyes.

Rory hadn't had a drink or anything else like that since the bottle of wine that Jess had dropped into the Lake, never to be seen again.

"Come along kid, walk you're ma home." Lorelai said, throwing her arm around her daughters shoulder, the two of them waved good-bye to Luke and headed out into the night.

"_Rory." Lorelai said, coming into Rory's room and sitting on the bed next to her, she could see her daughters body shaking with sobs but she couldn't bring herself to reach out and touch her. _

"_Mom?" Rory said turning around, her face was streaked with tears, she sat up, facing her mother. They looked at each other awkwardly for a moment, then Rory fell forward into a bundle, sobbing into Lorelai's work clothes. "You smell like the Inn." Rory told her. Lorelai nervously put her hand on Rory's head and slowly stroked her hair. _

"_What's going on Rory?" She asked gently. _

"_I've messed everything up. Well…you know that." Rory said, covering her face with her hands, "I'm so sorry Mom, for everything. I can't comprehend the fact that I left you. You're my best friend." _

"_You're mine." Lorelai said back, holding Rory tight, all her anger seeping away. This was her daughter, her Rory. _

"_How did I come so far? It's like I was outside looking in on my own life, and I was watching myself on TV, seeing stuff up after stuff up, and I could see the main character turning into someone that I didn't really want to watch, but I didn't turn the TV off." Rory sobbed._

"_Sweety…that was a terrible metaphor, but I understand what you're trying to say." Lorelai said comfortingly. "Look…why don't we go to the market, stock up on junk food and have a movie marathon." _

"_You really want to hang out with me?" Rory asked, wiping her tears. She had run straight home from seeing Jess and thrown herself into her bed, feeling utterly alone. Now, her heart was lifting a little. _

"_I do. More then I have sat, hating you, being furious at you, disappointed in you, more then all that…I've missed you Rory. I just want my best friend back." Lorelai smiled gently. Rory smiled back. And that's where it starts…_

"What's the plan for tonight kitten?" Lorelai asked as the walked towards home.

"Well…Finn's coming over soon and Kirk's new independent film is playing at the movies, so we thought we'd check that out." Rory informed Lorelai.

"You're going to see it again." Lorelai said in disbelief.

"Twice is not enough to take in the full glory of his truly great mind." Rory replied with a shrug. "And what are you doing?"

"Well…I'm going home to sleep because...tomorrow night is my hens night…and then the next day…I'M GETTING MARRIED!" Lorelai burst out, grinning from ear to ear.

"That's right. Get ready lady, it's going to be wild." Rory cheered, taking her mothers hand in hers.

"Then, I'm going to be Lorelai Danes…sounds good doesn't it?" Lorelai's smile was warm and genuine, Rory couldn't have been more happy for her. "You're prepared to face Jess?"

"I'm just going to put that ugliness behind me. We tried to be friends, but even that doesn't work for us. I stuffed up, surprise surprise, but I've promised myself it'll be the last mistake like it." Rory told Lorelai, who nodded.

"I know babe, I've been so proud of you." Lorelai said as they approached their house, "And look who's waiting for you." Rory looked up and saw Finn's car parked out the front, and he was sitting on the stairs waiting for her. "Aw…cute." Lorelai cooed teasingly.

"Shut up!" Rory said, going pink. The got close to Finn and Rory whispered hurriedly into Lorelai's ear "Don't wait up."

"Hey." Finn said with a small smile as the two women reached him.

"G'day mate." Lorelai said in a terrible Australian actress.

"It wasn't even funny the first time you did that." Rory said in disgust.

"C'mon." Finn said dully. Rory and Lorelai exchanged looks before Rory and Finn headed off in the direction of the movies.

"Everything ok?" Rory asked, after they had been walking in silence for a while.

"You know how Logan went away for a couple of weeks, but then a couple of weeks turned into a couple of months and no one had heard from him or anything…well…he came back today…he came to see me actually." Finn said in a monotone.

"Oh…what happened?" Rory said trying to sound off hand but her heart was beating so hard and fast she was sure Finn would be able to hear it.

"Nothing actually…we just talked…he told me about his trip, he asked about you and me and everything else. He seemed happy you were doing good. He was amazed that Lorelai was finally getting married, I told him about the Hens/Bucks night, he said it was going to be impossible for Luke and Lorelai to resist seeing each other when they are drunk and bored because there is no night life in Stars Hollow." Finn chuckled a little at this.

"You obvious have not seen this town party." Rory said. She walked along silent beside Finn but her mind was buzzing. Logan was back. He had spoken to Finn, would he come speak to her? Why had he been gone so long? "You're still going to the Buck's night right? I know you don't really know anyone that well, but I know it would mean a lot to my mom, and it's a chance to get in good with Luke."

"I said I'd go didn't I? And I am a man of my word." Finn said, putting his arm around her shoulders.

"You're a man alright." Rory said with a wink pulling him in close and kissing him on the lips.

The two had been casually dating, nothing serious. Rory had made that clear, she definitely wasn't ready for anything serious, and not for a while. But, they had fun together, and she had to admit he grew on her every day.

"You know…we've seen this Kirk movie before…and I can think of better ways to spend out time…" Rory smiled slyly.

Finn looked at her out of the corner of his eye.

"Race ya." He said, grabbing her arm and breaking into a run, she giggled, struggling to keep up. She felt happy for the first time in a long time. Things were going ok, and her mother was getting married. Things were looking up.

- - -

"I can't believe Luke actually invited Christopher to his bachelor party." Lorelai drawled drunkenly as the women sat around inside Miss Patty's.

"He's making an effort, let it go." Rory replied, sipping her drink, her first in quite a while, but it was a special occasion and she had grown to trust herself again.

"Don't give me lip, I saw you hiding, sneaking around all day, making sure you didn't bump into Jess.' Lorelai replied, chuckling.

"Ohh…honey…the boy's you get…I'd never avoid any of them." Miss Patty cooed.

"Ahh…thinking about Finn and Jess over there together, something about it makes me so uncomfortable." Rory said nervously.

"Oh, they'll be fine. Finey-fine-fine-fineto!" Lorelai told her, "But, for the sake of adventure. Let's go spy on them!"

"Mom, you promised you'd stay away." Rory cried out, though she had to admit, it was tempting.

"Oh come on, just you and me. We'll sneak up to the diner and just have a little peak…you know you want tooooo…" Lorelai got up, beckoning to Rory, who reluctantly climbed to her feet and followed Lorelai outside. "We have to be very sneaky." Lorelai whispered.

"You realise your whisper is about as quiet as a jet plane." Rory told her, Lorelai shot her a glare and Rory was quiet. They crept up to the window and peaked in. They were all just sitting around, drinking and talking.

"Ohh…boring. And look at poor Finn, bored out of his mind. Gorgeous though." Lorelai grinned at Rory.

"Muuum." Rory groaned.

They heard footsteps coming up behind them and Lorelai practically flung herself into the nearest bush, Rory turned around to see who it was and suddenly she could breathe. Logan was only a few metres away from her, looking directly at her.

"What are you doing here?" Rory blurted out as he reached her.

"I'm going to go back to Miss Patty's…." Lorelai said scrambling from the bush and hurrying away.

"Finn said you'd be out and about in Stars Hollow…it's a small place. I wanted to see you." Logan told her, Rory stood, staring at him. He had his usual cheeky smile playing on his lips. "Are you just gonna leave me standing here, come here Ace!" He said outstretching his arms and without a second thought she hugged him tightly, it felt good.

They separated and Rory gazed at him, "I must say…I didn't expect this kind of reaction…what with the email you sent me last and everything that's happened."

"I thought a lot on my trip. I barely left my hotel for the first month, I just moped around…thinking of you. I'm in love with you Ace. That won't go away." He told her, Rory's heart swelled and she smiled at him. "I want to see…if this love is enough…enough for me to be able to forgive you."

"What are you saying Logan?" Rory couldn't believe what she was hearing, for him to turn up out of the blue and say all the things she had hoped he would say.

"Basically…I'm saying…" He looked at her then leant forward and kissed her gently on the lips, she was taken completely by surprise, but managed to kiss him back somehow. The parted, their noses touching each others gently.

"You're saying everything I have dreamed of you saying right now Logan… but I don't know what to say…" Rory said slowly.

"Is it Finn?" Logan whispered, their noses still touching, holding each others hands by their sides.

"No…it's just…" Rory looked around and looked in the diner window, Jess was looking out at her, their eyes met for a moment, but then he looked away, she couldn't even be sure if he had been looking at her at all. Rory looked back at Logan. "I'm afraid of hurting you…afraid that you'll realise you can't forgive me later on. I don't want to move back to New York."

"I'm not saying lets rush…I'm saying…let's date. Dating is good…and if you want…you can start wearing your ring again…as sort of a promise more then an engagement." Logan smiled at her.

"Rory." Finn said from behind her, they hadn't seen him coming, they had been so wrapped up in the moment. Logan let go of Rory's hands and Rory turned to face Finn.

"I should have known you'd come." Finn said to Logan.

"It was always in the cards." Logan replied casually.

"This situation really isn't the kind of situation I should be in right now." Rory told them both, they were all quiet.

Finally, after a long time Finn spoke up. "You need to be clear about your decision. I want hold a grudge if you want to try with Logan. I just don't want there to be any sneaking around and dishonesty. We've all been there and it didn't end well."

Rory nodded. She had never really operated well under stress and this was definitely not a relaxed situation.

"I can't think with you two standing here asking me to make this huge decision. I need time." Rory told them, the two boys exchanged looks with each other. "I made a promise that I wouldn't enter into anything serious for a while, what's happening right now, seems serious."

The door to the diner opened and this time Rory heard it, Jess came out and walked past them, "Evening." He said with a nod and a smirk, then he kept going, Rory watched him go. He was almost about to disappear around the corner…

"I'll be back." Rory told Finn and Logan before she jogged off down the street after Jess, Finn and Logan watched her go curiously. "Jess!" She called as she reached him, he turned to look at her.

"You're leaving just some of your many boyfriends waiting." Jess said, raising an eyebrow.

"How are you?" Rory asked, ignoring his snide comment.

"I'm fine, I'm not drinking and everyone one else is, so it had become my assignment to drive and find more beer." Jess informed Rory.

"I'll come." Rory informed him.

"Um…no you won't." Jess replied.

"I want to talk to you Jess." Rory told him.

"It seems like you were already in the middle of quite an important conversation." Jess pointed out.

"Tonight was meant to be about fun, about celebrating my mom and Luke, not being ambushed by two people I really care about and being asked to choose." Rory said, looking at her feet.

"I'd help if I could but, Annik specifically asked me not to speak to you this weekend." Jess informed Rory who flinched.

"Annik? I thought that was over." Rory said.

"It was…but then that fight with you and I got me thinking. You and I always fought, Annik and I never did. I thought maybe I'd been to hasty leaving her, so I went and I found her. I asked her to marry me actually…" Jess said, turning a little pink.

"You…mu-marriage…I…" Rory babbled, feeling winded.

"I know…I can hardly believe it myself." Jess replied.

"I guess…congratulations?" Rory said weakly.

"Your joy is overwhelming." Jess told her sarcastically.

"It's just…weird…I don't know." Rory said softly, "Before the fight we had you seemed like the old Jess…the good bits of the Jess I knew…now marriage. I must have been imagining it." Rory sighed quietly, looking away from Jess.

"You drinking tonight?" He asked her.

"One glass of wine, that's enough for me. My first drink since I saw you last." She informed him, he smiled at her.

"Well, well, there's hope for you after all." Jess said with a small smile, squeezing her arm then turning and walking off down the street, she watched him go feeling strange. Why did she care if Jess was getting married?

She knew exactly why. This girl was everything she could have been, Ivy league graduate, smart and successful. Plus, Jess had kissed her in the park, and even now when she thought about it a smile crept across her lips.

Regretfully, she walked back around the corner to see it was only Logan standing there now, his hands in his pocket, his blond hair longer and scruffier then she'd ever seen it.

"Finn?" Rory said to Logan questioningly.

"He got all wierded out and said he needed to clear his head and sober up." Logan informed her. "He seemed to have a weird reaction to that Jess guy."

"Oh, I should talk to him." Rory said automatically.

"I see…" Logan said, giving her a hurt look. "I don't know how I feel about you seeing Finn…I mean he's basically the reason you and I ended. Well…he was the final nail in the coffin, it confuses me that you'd think it was ok to date him."

"I'm lonely Logan. I don't have many friends." Rory said sadly.

"What about that Jess guy, he's your friend right?" Logan asked.

"He's a whole other mess all together." Rory said dismissively. "I love you Logan." She told him, but she wasn't smiling.

"But you need to be alone right now…am I right?" Logan said, reading her perfectly like he always did. "Come here Ace."

She came towards him and he took his hand and ran it over her cheek, brushing some look hair behind her ear, then he tweaked her nose. He bent forward and kissed her gently, she felt electric.

"You went away for so long…I didn't hear from you…I cried for hundreds of hours over you… how can you just come back and kiss me like this and say these things?" She asked, tears forming in her eyes, but she didn't let them escape.

"I'm allowed to do this to you. It's called forgiving." He told her gently, she smiled before wondering off towards her house. No idea who she wanted to speak to first or what she would say to any of the boys. All she knew is she wanted Jess to be her real friend again. Logan and Finn were a whole other story.

How could Jess be getting married!?


	12. Bounce Back Love

**Chapter 12**

Rory sat on the porch staring blankly at the jeep parked in it's usual spot. She sighed heavily. Life had seemed to be looking up for her, she'd been repairing things with her mother, she was working at Luke's to save up some cash, her and Finn had been having fun. Now it seemed life had exploded in her face, like the plot of some crappy daytime soap.

Logan wanted to date…he wanted her to wear the ring… he wanted to try and forgive her.

Finn never treated her badly, not even for a second. They had fun together, he looked at her like she was special, even when she was at her worst.

Jess…she had never felt closer to anyone then she had to him, they had truly understood each other, she had felt a real friendship forming. Now he was marrying alternate universe Rory! European Rory!

She noticed a tall figure walking down the street towards her and recognized it as Dean, she smiled a little at him through the darkness. Her first boyfriend, she remembered how happy she had been when she had given her the bracelet, the tiny item that started her whole love life.

"Dean!" She called, he looked around and squinted through the darkness his eyes finally making out the outline of Rory, perched on the stairs.

"What do you want?" He asked, sounding anything but friendly.

"Nothing really…to talk maybe?" Rory said with a small shrug, feeling stupid because she realised he couldn't see her shrugging.

"No funny business?" He asked suspiciously.

"I've put my funny business persona too rest. Boring old Rory is trying to make some kind of comeback. Whether she will succeed is a different story." Rory told him. He warily walked over and took a seat beside her. "Why you out roaming the incredibly dangerous streets of Stars Hollow this late?"

"Kyle was having a guys night at his house." Dean informed Rory.

"Ah…how's his hook going?" Rory questioned.

"Still metal and pointy." Dean replied.

"Good to know." Rory smiled.

"So, what exactly do you want?" Dean asked sounding a little suspicious still.

"I saw you, and I was just thinking how simple things were for you and I." Rory said with a small smile that she knew Dean couldn't see.

"So this is about funny business." Dean snapped, sounding annoyed.

"No not at all. Honestly Dean." Rory told him, "I just…things are so complicated for me these days. I miss the days when a little piece of metal tied to my wrist with leather completed me."

"I guess…" Dean said, sounding unconvinced.

"We only ever had stupid little tiff's most of the time, the biggest problems we ever had was me not being able to say I love you and Jess." Rory sighed.

"And that Tristin guy, man I hated him." Dean snarled, finally giving in and joining in the conversation.

"Oh you know I saw him. He joined the Army after military school, I saw him in a bar in New York one night, and he was gorgeous…" Rory chuckled at this.

"Did you speak to him?" Dean asked curiously.

"Did I speak to him! I did more then speak to him… let's just say he'll never call me Mary ever again." Rory chuckled wickedly.

"You've got to be kidding me." Rory couldn't tell if Dean was disgusted or amused.

"It was a bad time in my life, I'm not proud." Rory told him.

"I'd be surprised if you were." Dean said.

"You'd be surprised for how long I was." Rory sighed again, pushing her hair back from her face, she could see Dean clearly now. He was looking at her with a mixture of dislike and concern, an interesting combination.

"You've gotta know by now that's its Jess right?" Dean said, out of the blue.

"What's Jess? What are you talking about?" Rory asked in confusion.

"Guy problems right, who to pick? You know how gossip spreads around here. Everyone knows everything." Dean told her.

"Jess isn't even in the running though." Rory told Dean, who rolled his eyes.

"Come on Rory. It's always about Jess. You had sex with me, got back together with me purely because you were angry at Jess for breaking your heart." Dean said, Rory didn't deny it, "I'm no idiot."

"Yes, but that's where it ended. I met Logan, and that was it…" Rory said, wondering if that was true.

"Well then it's Logan." Dean said simply.

"It's easy to simplify it when you have no idea about any of it." Rory snapped, Dean was irritating her now. 

"Well then why call me over and bring me into it?" Dean shot back. "Are you that desperate for friends?"

That hurt Rory, because in reality she was. Dean could tell he'd hurt her feelings as he was pleased, if not a little guilty.

"3 not enough?" Finn asked, coming across the yard towards Rory, she stood up quickly, this wasn't what she was after she had come to be alone from the male drama.

"Now I'm going to take my leave." Dean said standing up and walking off into the night, leaving Rory alone with Finn. They stood facing each other.

"Let's go inside." Rory told Finn, he followed her into the house and she turned on the lamp next to the couch and the two of them sat down.

"Interesting night." Finn said after a long awkward silence.

"Yeah I guess." Rory replied, not knowing what to say or do.

"Hey…" He said, putting his hand under her chin, "Come here." He pulled her face forward gently and kissed her sweetly on the lips. Just for a second. Rory smiled, blushing a little.

"Thanks. I needed that." Rory grinned, then pushed her hair out of her face, looking closely at Finn. They were quiet again.

"It's ok Rory…I understand." Finn said quietly, looking at her, "I'm a tough cookie love, I'll bounce back."

Rory didn't say anything, she didn't look at him. She really liked him, but he'd already given up on himself. She was completely in love with Logan, but so much had happened between the two of them, she knew it would never be like it was. Besides, the whole time she had been with Logan she had been cheating and messing around, it had been years since being with him had felt perfect.

He was perfect to her, but their relationship wasn't. In their time apart she had started to realise that, but that didn't change how she felt about him, or make her miss him any less. He was her Logan. She was his Ace.

"I know Jess will treat you right, it's the only thing that makes me feel a little better." Finn said, Rory shot him a surprised look.

"Jess? Are you crazy?" Rory asked.

"Just realistic." Finn said with a shrug, "For your behavior and all the things you have told me about him and yourself it just seems obvious. As soon as he came back into your life you were constantly questioning and wanting to better yourself. You were happy and relaxed with yourself until you saw yourself through his eyes and didn't like what you saw."

Finn was right, everything he said was surprisingly intelligent and understand, something you would not guess of Finn when you first met him. But, this was one of Rory's favourite things about Finn, that she was one of the few people who actually knew him, one of the lucky few.

"Can I be totally honest with you Finn?" Rory asked quietly, letting her hair fall across her face as she was embarrassed.

"I'd prefer it." Finn said, readily awaiting a crushing speech that would send him slinking into the night, tail between his legs.

Instead, Rory reached out and pulled him to her, kissing him passionately, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him close. She separated from him, keeping her face close to his, the smiled at each other, both a little out of breath.

"I didn't expect that." Finn whispered, still looking into Rory's eyes.

"I don't think anyone did, but there it is." Rory replied, running her hand down the side of Finn's face. "You've been here for all the wrong I've done, I've brought you into every problem I've had, and you're the only one who hasn't left me or messed me around."

"You're the only girl I've ever wanted to not leave." He replied. Rory's stomach was filled with butterflies, she was scared, excited, happy all at once. "But Rory…I'm leaving anyway."

"What…why?" Rory said, her stomach sinking, the butterflies revealing their claws and digging them in.

"I know myself Rory, and as soon as I have you I'll stuff it up. I'm immature." Finn informed Rory.

"You're scared." Rory shot back, Finn's face faltered for a moment.

"Ok…Ok…the truth then…Rory…I want to be with you…I do. But, I'll fall in love with you, I'm already well on my way. I know you care about me, but I'll just be your stepping stone guy." Finn said, looking sheepishly at the coffee table in front of them, not daring to make eye contact.

"No one has ever been as nice to me as you have." Rory told him. Finn smiled.

"Usually the sentence has 'nice' replaced with 'sleazy'." Finn smirked a little. "Nothing's ever perfect with you and I Rory because I know you deserve better. I know you think you don't, that you've turned into some horrible person that you need to fix, but the real you has always been in there, and I can see her. I wouldn't want you so much if I couldn't, love."

Finn stood up, kissing her gently on the forehead. "None of this makes any sense…" Rory said, her eyes filling with tears, "How can you know if you never give us a chance?"

"I can't risk my heart love, I'll bounce back and so will you. Go talk to Jess, it's the right thing to do" He patted her gently on the head, before turning to go.

"Where are you going?" She asked as he reached the door.

"Out to find a cute redhead, oh look at that! I bounced back!" He smiled, giving her a wink and then left.

Rory sat there by herself for a long time, she couldn't believe what had just happened. Kissing Finn had felt so right, but he had been too scared. She didn't blame him. Finn had been exactly what she wanted though, things with Logan were too serious, she wasn't strong enough within herself to be able to promise him everything he deserved.

Why did everyone keep telling her to pick Jess? Telling her like, she was just denying to herself what she really felt? Was she just missing it?

He was going to marry Annik, what if she realised it was him she wanted before it was too late?

She had nothing to loose, she would talk to Jess. If nothing happened at least then she would be able to reassure Finn, then maybe they would be able to try.

- - - -

Rory walked through the night, it was a cool night, Summer was on its way, you could feel it in the air. She heard her mother give a drunken cheer from somewhere near by and hoped she wouldn't be throwing up all through what should be the happiest day of her life.

Rory walked by Miss Patty's and saw all the men had joined the women, but Jess was nowhere to be seen. She saw a light on upstairs at Luke's Diner and decided that Jess was probably in there.

The drunken Luke had forgotten to lock the diner door so Rory walked straight in, feeling a little nervous. She straightened herself out and fiddled a little with her hair as she walked up the stairs and knocked on the door. There was no answer so she knocked again, but nothing.

She opened the door and found Jess face down in bed asleep, she smirked a little. He was wearing only boxers and his hair was all over the place. It looked to her like he'd decided to have a drink or two after all.

Rory sat down next to him on the bed and poked him in the ribs, he grunted and pushed her arm away, she poked him again and he looked around, only one eye open.

"So, how did sobriety work out for you?" Rory asked with a cheeky grin.

"When Luke decided he was drunk enough to do a little impromptu karaoke I knew sobriety wasn't for me." Jess informed Rory who laughed.

"Damn, I can't believe I missed that." Rory said feeling ripped off.

"Oh don't worry, your mother was there, she took a video on her phone especially for you." Jess groaned, climbing into a sitting position. "What are you doing here anyway?"

"Well…I was thinking about you and me…and you… and us. And well… " Rory fiddled nervously with a strand of hair, "I want you to kiss me."

"What?" Jess said, sitting up straight, looking suddenly a lot more sober.

"Kiss me." Rory repeated.

"Why?" Jess asked.

"Because I want to know if it's there like everyone says it is." Rory explained.

"What's there?"

"You know…IT." Rory said, waving her hands as if that made it all clear.

"I'm engaged." Jess reminded Rory.

"I know that." Rory groaned, "But I thought I'd ask anyway."

Jess looked at Rory for what seemed like an hour, studying every inch of her face, as if weighing up his options. Then, he leant forward slowly and kissed Rory on the forehead, then down her nose, kissing her all over her face, except her lips. Then, gently he placed his lips to hers, putting one of his hands on the back of her head, it wasn't passionate or sexual, it was just sweet and it made Rory's skin tingle. They parted and Jess smirked, though he looked a little shy and embarrassed.

"Wow…" Rory murmured, "IT is there."


	13. Losing It, Wedding's and Lil White Pills

**Chapter 13**

"What is?" Jess asked, touching his lips with his fingers.

"I just…I have to do something…" Rory got up and went for the door, then stopped looking back at Jess for a moment, "The kiss by the way, great stuff." She grinned before hurrying out down the stairs and outside.

It was so late that it was getting light off in the distance and Rory couldn't believe she was still awake, let alone wide awake. She fumbled with her phone, no messages no missed calls.

How could she have just let him leave like that? She dialed in the number she knew by heart.

"Rory?" The answered, sounding surprised.

"Where are you? Have you left yet?" She asked hurriedly.

"No, I had a drink or two so I thought I'd wait, I'm sitting in the Gazebo." He told her, Rory looked around and saw Finn looking at her, he gave her a little wave and she hung up, hurrying over.

Finn went to say "What's going on?" As Rory reached him but all he got out was "Wha-" before she had flung herself at him, kissing him hard. He was startled, but he didn't push her away, finally they separated.

"It is there." She told him, "It's been there all along, with you."

"I saw you go into Jess'. I watched you go. What happened?" He asked in amazement.

"I kissed him, I kissed him and it made things completely clear." She informed him, "I want to be with you Finn." She kissed him again, hugging him tightly to her. "No one has ever treated me as nicely as you do. No one has ever had so much confidence in me. Jess, Logan…they could never trust me as much as you do."

"But you love Logan and you and Jess have a special connection." Finn reminded her.

"To hell with that crap!" Rory snapped, grabbing Finn's hand tightly, "Right now. More then anything, I want you. Maybe, I'm meant to be with one of them, maybe I'm not. Maybe you and I will last a week, maybe we'll last forever. I have taken a lot of risks in my life, most of them bad, but this one…this one feels right. I want to try with you. I know you knocked me down before, but…I'm asking you one more time. Will you try with me?"

Finn looked down at her hopeful face, "I'm bad for you love." He said gently, the hope of Rory's face faltered a little.

"That isn't true. You've helped me more then anything, stuck by me." Rory told him.

"I'm the kind of guy that hooks up with his best mates fiancé." Finn sighed, looking away from Rory.

"And I'm the kind of girl that would let him." Rory whispered, not letting go of Finn's hand.

"Not anymore you aren't." Finn informed her, freeing his hand from her grip. "I've fallen for you Rory. Really hard. You standing here, saying these things, it's something I've thought about for so long, and I never once pictured myself standing here and reacting like this. I've got to be the good guy for once. I need to be a better guy."

"You're the best guy." Rory told him, her eyes filling with tears.

"I could be, one day. But I'm not now." Finn ran his hand over his head. "With you…I don't think I'll bounce back."

"I don't understand why you're doing this to me, let alone yourself. We could be happy." Rory sobbed, letting the tears run down her face.

"Logan's still in love with you. He's my best friend. This time, I'm going to do the right thing and step off. There is too much baggage for you and me right now, we're built on bad things. It wouldn't work. For us to work, it needs to be from a clean place." Finn explained to her. He was making sense to her now, but it didn't hurt any less.

"I could love you, you know, If you'd just give me the chance." Rory wept, wiping the tears hurriedly from her face.

"We might get that chance…it just needs time." Finn leant down and kissed her gently, it was wet from her tears, she could barely kiss him. "Good bye Lorelai Gilmore." He said with a sad smile, before turning and walking away. Rory sat down on the floor of the gazebo and wept quietly to herself. Closing her eyes tightly and wishing it all away.

"Coward." She whispered hatefully to herself.

--

She didn't go back to see Jess, she just walked home crying silent tears. She didn't want anyone now. Why should her life revolve around guys? She had to work on going back to college, working hard and graduating from journalism, it was time to work on her dream.

The heartbreak that filled every inch of her skin, her insides had taken all her motivation away. She felt like she could sleep for 100 hours, and she wanted to, she just wanted to be numb.

She passed by Sookie and Jackson's house, they'd be passed out hard from last nights celebrations and without a second thought Rory walked slowly to the door and slipped inside. The wedding was this afternoon and Rory knew she had to be in good condition for it, but afterwards, well… there were no rules for afterwards.

Sookie had always been a nut with medicines so Rory snuck into there bathroom and grabbed a few different bottles from the cabinet, stuffing them into her bag clumsily. Then, without a sound she snuck back out of the house.

As soon as Lorelai was gone, and would not be around to worry Rory would have a little fun for old time's sake.

- -

"Mom, just breathe. It's going to be fine, I'm right here." Rory said, holding her mothers hand.

"My hair isn't sitting right, I'm still hung over, my head feels like it's full of cotton wool, Jess isn't here yet so I can hear Luke freaking out…Rory…" Lorelai looked at her out of the corner of her eye, "Everything is just as it should be! I can't believe I'm getting married!" She grinned, hugging Rory to her.

"All the perfect mayhem." Rory grinned back. She was worried about there whereabouts of Jess since last night, she hoped everything was ok.

She went out of the bridal room to have a look and spotted him, dressed in a tux staring blankly out of the church window.

"Jess." Rory said walking over, he turned around to look at her. "We thought you might not be coming."

"I wouldn't do that." Jess replied in a monotone.

"Look, about last night…I know I must seem crazy it's just-" Rory began.

"I don't want to talk about it Rory. Honestly, I don't. It was a mistake." Jess cut in, they were both quiet.

"Yes, exactly, it was silly." Rory agreed.

"No, it was a mistake for me to risk my feelings like that. I watched you talk to Finn from my window." Jess informed her, Rory felt ill. "You made me feel like you had feelings for me, smiling so wide and everything, but it was about another guy."

"I do have feelings for you Jess. Things have just always been so hard between you and I, besides you're engaged." Rory attempted to explain.

"Then why kiss me?" He snarled, glaring at her, waiting for an explanation.

"Everyone kept telling me that they could tell I was meant to be with you…it got to me, I had to see." Rory told him. They were both quiet, neither one of them wanting to look at the other.

"It was there for me." Jess told her, then he turned and walked away, leaving Rory standing there, feeling numb.

"Rory!" Lane called, walking over, Rory threw her arms around her, hugging her as tight as she could, "Ok, wow, can't breathe."

"Sorry." Rory said, releasing her, "It's just been so long since I've seen you. How is it possible to live in Stars Hollow, and not see each other?"

"Having twins and being married takes up all the time, the time that isn't taken up I spend rocking back and forth eating my hair." Lane told Rory.

"Delicious." Rory grinned. "Wow I've really missed you."

"Believe me, I've missed you more, I gotta go get a seat, tell Lorelai I said good luck!" Lane scurried off, Rory caught a glance of Jess walking into the room Luke was in and she felt a pang of guilt shoot through her.

- -

Lorelai had looked beautiful going down the aisle, Rory had been so proud, Lorelai had smiled harder then she ever had for the whole thing. Rory had teared up a bit, all her worries seeped away as she watched her mother's dream finally come true. Rory wanted to have what her mother had so much. She wanted true love and happiness.

She thought about Finn… About Logan… About Jess. She had loved Jess more then she had ever loved anyone else. She was on her way out of love with Logan. She had been on her way in love with Finn.

Now, she had nothing. Sure, she could date Logan, put her ring on and work at it. But, she didn't want to have to work at something, she wanted it to fall into place, to be simple, because that's what she needed. She didn't want to fight, to cry, to worry. She just wanted simple love.

Jess had that with Annik, she practically worshipped him. They could get married and live happily and work in their publishing houses.

What could she do? Marry Logan? Bug Finn until he gives in? Take Jess from his fiancé and give that a try?

Every option she had made her unhappy. She didn't know what to do. Sometimes, she even wondered if she liked the drama, if when it came down to the crunch whatever she settled on would seem to boring. She'd lived her life recklessly… stupidly… terribly for so many years, but my god it had been exciting. Was she even ready for normal?

All these thoughts flew through her mind as she waved goodbye to her mother and Luke, a fake smile plastered across her face. Lorelai and Luke grinned at the town as they disappeared, waving happily.

"I'm glad they're happy." Jess said, coming up and standing beside Rory.

"No one deserves it as much as them." Rory replied, watching the place where Lorelai and Luke had disappeared. Rory felt Jess' had take her's, he didn't say anything and neither did she. It was comforting though.

After a moment he let go and walked off, Rory didn't move for a long time, she felt like she was in slow motion and everything around her was zipping by, moving so fast, she just wanted to grab hold of something, just scream "SLOW DOWN" but she just stood there, gazing at nothing.

- -

"_It's been 53 days since I've spoken or seen Logan." Rory informed Finn who put his arm around her and kissed her sweetly on the cheek. _

"_He'll turn up and talk to you. At least give you some closure." Finn assured her, she snuggled in closely to him. They were lying on the bonnet of his car looking at the sky just a little way out of Stars Hollow. _

"_I have all these thoughts, of things he will say… but I honestly have no idea how I will react to any of it anymore." Rory whispered, closing her eyes and enjoying the cool wind on her face. "I'm sorry, talking to you about him, while we're on a date…" _

"_It's fine Rory. I've watched your whole relationship with him, I'm involved, I understand how you feel, I want you to be able to talk to be about anything and everything." Finn told her. _

"_I really feel like I can." Rory informed him, leaning up and pecking him on the lips quickly. _

_They were silent, it was only their 3__rd__ proper date but Rory felt content. Her guilty feelings had subsided and she was simply enjoying his company, the warmth of his arm around her, his breath in her hair. _

"_I imagine Logan coming up and saying he loves me and he wants me, and it makes me so happy. There is so much baggage though, I don't think I could go back with him. I'd be to afraid of hurting him. He deserves better. I know I could be better, but not with him. I need a fresh start you know." Rory went on. Finn nodded. _

"_Just take everything as it comes Rory. You're so smart you over think everything." He smiled at her, which made her feel really good. He grinned at her devilishly, "Lets get in the back seat." _

"_You read my mind." _

_- -_

Rory woke, a smile still on her face, it faded though, it had only been a dream, a memory. She sat up in bed and looked at the clock, 2:41am. She had gone home and fallen straight to sleep. Now, she felt edgy, jumpy.

She looked over at her handbag and remembered Sookie's prescription drugs. Could she?

She went over to her bag and pulled them out, reading the sides of the containers.

"Rory." She spun around to see Christopher standing in her doorway.

"Dad, you scared me." She said, stuffing the containers back into her bag quickly.

"Give them to me." He said, seriously. She sighed and pulled them out, placing them in her fathers hands. "I knew your mothers wedding would be hard for you, what with you're break up with Logan and all. I thought I should check on you."

"At almost 3 in the morning?" Rory spat.

"I've been here all night." Chris informed her. "I came straight here after the wedding but you were already asleep."

"I didn't see you there." Rory told him.

"I came in late. Still hung over from the Buck's night." He grinned. "You should call Logan Rory. I'm sure he's been wondering where you are."

"He hasn't tried to call me." Rory replied.

"He's probably scared. You should tell him the truth, whatever it is. He deserves it." He put his arms around her, holding her close.

"I'm scared Daddy." Rory whispered, nestling into his arms.

"I know you are Ror. That'll pass." He kissed her gently on top of the head.


	14. Rosemary's Cafe

**I began writing this story because I was sick of reading the same story over and over again…Jess and Rory meet after time passes… there is a complication or two but ultimately you know what is going to happen. Even if the writing was really good I got sick of it because basically WHO CARES! This story has elements of Rory and Jess, but doesn't necessarily mean they will end up together. Of course I'm not saying they won't. This story has a looooong way to go. I don't want everything tied up in a neat little package I want angst, sadness and ridiculous drama. So that is what I will do. I hope you like it. But if you're looking for cutsie poo Jess and Rory stuff, look somewhere else. **

**Also, thanks for your reviews and the people who read this. I'm glad people are enjoying it. **

**But anyway, enough boring ramblings!!**

**Chapter 14**

Rory sat at the café around the corner from what used to be her and Logan's apartment. She'd wanted to meet him, and decided going to him would be better in case she had to make a quick get away.

She tapped her index fingernail nervously on the dirty surface of the table, looking at the door, dreading the moment when Logan would walk in. She had no idea what she was going to say, she had rehearsed a hundred different speeches in her head, but nothing had felt right. Some of it had felt like lies, some of it way to honest.

She'd stopped by Finn's when she had arrived back in New York, Well…not really stopped by, more sat on the wall across the road from his place, staring up at it for what seemed like forever then quickly ducking behind a bush when Finn had actually emerged.

The Cure was playing through the small CD player on the counter only adding to Rory's emotions.

"Can we put something a little more cheery on?" Rory asked the guy behind the counter who would have been a few years younger then her.

"My shift, my music. When you work here, you can pick." He replied, before going back to reading his magazine.

Rory glared at him for a moment, before turning her gaze back to the door. It swung open and Rory wanted nothing more then to dive under the table but she forced a smile and managed a croaky "Hello" as Logan took a seat across from her.

"You look beautiful Rory. You've put on weight." Logan informed her, one of the few times that a girl would take those four words as a compliment.

It had taken Rory a month to call Logan after the wedding. It hadn't been until Rory had realised that Lorelai and Luke were due back in a week and she wanted to be on her way to moving out so they could live alone and enjoy their love, that she had bothered to do something about dealing with unfinished business etc.

"Thanks. That's Babette's doing, she's been forcing feeding me endlessly while Mom's been away." Rory told him, there was an awkward silence after that.

"So…what's it like being back in New York after the past few months?" Logan asked.

"It's weird. Straight away I felt the urge for a cocktail, but I had a coffee instead." Rory told him with a bit of a proud smile.

"That's good Ace." He said sincerely.

"Have you been seeing Finn?" Rory asked cautiously.

"Not by choice." Logan chuckled, seeming unbothered by her enquiry, "He's kind of forced himself back on me. Turning up with mountains of booze, dragging me out to parties…literally one night… I guess…we've made up…ish." He gave Rory a wink.

"I'm so glad." Rory said, it sounded insincere, and part of it was, but she was glad for the two boys as well.

"I'm glad you asked to see me. I've been wanting to talk to you to for the past couple of weeks." Logan informed her.

"Oh?" Rory said, "Intrigue, go on…"

"Well, I never thought I would actually say this to you, but…I've met someone." Logan informed her, she felt a pang of jealous stab her right in the gut, but she pushed it aside and instead tried to wear an expression of curiosity.

"Really, well…that's…" Rory began, but could think of nothing to say.

"Nothing's happened really, it could…I don't know though." Logan continued.

"Well what's holding you back, if you like this girl, I mean…you should give it a go…" Rory told him trying to sound convincing.

"You want to know what's holding me back?" Logan asked, Rory nodded slowly, "This." He reached out and grabbed the ring that was hanging from a silver chain dangling around Rory's neck, her engagement ring from Logan.

"Oh…I don't even know why I was wearing this…I didn't want to just put it away in a box…and I was thinking about it and…Here…" Rory started fumbling with the clasp trying to get it undone, feeling hideously embarrassed.

"Rory…no I don't mean the ring really…I mean us, everything, I love you Ace." He put his hands on hers and her embarrassment seeped away. "It's hard to let go of you, you're amazing."

"Yeah, but I turned into something else, I treated you badly…I'm not who you fell in love with." Rory told him.

"I know all this Rory…but I didn't stop loving you… I helped you change, every time you were drinking I was, every time you took drugs, I was right there buzzing along with you." Logan reminded her.

"But you've had a career, you never cheated on me. You could juggle the chaos of partying, it was just one element of your life, for me it was all I had. Coming out of it, I realise I have nothing. I graduated valedictorian from Chilton, an impossibly hard school, I got accepted into Harvard, Princeton and Yale, I've been on C-Span, granted all that happened was Paris announcing I was a virgin and having a breakdown, but still…All this stuff and here I am, 25 almost 26 and I have no qualifications." Rory sighed, feeling incredibly disappointed with herself.

"It's not too late to go back." Logan told her.

"I know…I've called Yale, I can go back in a few months when the new year starts, I'll be on probation for the first 3 months, meaning I have to pass everything and attend every class and after that I have to get 5 approval letters from Professors and lecturers saying they think I fit at Yale." Rory explained to Logan who grinned widely.

"Ace!" He exclaimed, moving around the table to the chair next to her and hugging her close to him, "That's great, you've actually made the call! You can actually do this." Without thinking Logan kissed her on the lips, Rory flinched back, purely out of surprise. "Oh…I'm sorry…I just…"

"No…you just surprised me, I wasn't expecting-" She began, but he kissed her again and she was unable to finish. They kissed for a moment, it felt nice, familiar. "Why did you do that?" She asked when they stopped.

"I'm proud of you. I love you. I miss you." Logan told her, she smiled a little, but it was a sad smile. "You didn't come here to get back together with me did you?" Logan said slowly. Rory shook her head.

"I'm sorry Logan, I just can't see myself ever wearing this ring on my finger again." She informed him.

"But, you're still wearing it around your neck?" Logan said, sounding irritated and hurt.

"I'm going to keep wearing around my neck too, Logan I love you, and the problem isn't that I don't. There is too much water under the bridge or whatever…it's just…I want you to be with someone fresh and new, one you can have a real future with. I don't think I can offer you that." Rory gave another small smile.

"Years together Rory…we spent years together, and in all that time, not for a moment, did I love you any less then the moment I realised I was in love with you." Logan told her, it was very sweet. She wanted to cry but she help it back, she was hurting him after all and it wouldn't be fair to him if she cried.

"I know, the best years as well. Believe me." Rory took his hand in hers, they looked into each others eyes for a long time.

"We could find a place near Yale, I could work while you were at college, I could help you study, we could be like a normal couple. I know it's time for me to settle down, stop partying, I want to be a normal couple with you Ace. This girl I met, it could be something, I know it could, but I could just as easily forget she even exists, if you'd just consider us. I can forgive you…of everything, it can be fresh." Logan pleaded, she could see he was getting desperate.

"I wish I could say yes. I can't though Logan, I can't go back." Rory told him, he covered his face with one of his hands, his eyes closed.

"I had some crazy idea that if you thought I was going to be with someone else you'd come back to me. I know we won't work Rory…I do know that…I ended it to start with after all. I was just hoping for just a few more good days…we'd get back together and there would be that honeymoon period…I just…wanted to have you for myself for just a bit longer. I just hope…that thinking about you…missing you, won't make me incapable of being with other women." Logan half uncovered his face, opening one eye, looking at Rory closely.

"Huntzberger, you were a playboy when I met you, I'm sure you've still got the moves inside you. You're beautiful Logan, you're going to make some girl so happy, I'm sorry it won't be me." They kissed softly on the lips, one final time. They sat resting there noses gently against one another's for a long time, eyes closed.

"I should go. I have a long drive back, and…it's just…it's better if I go now…" Rory stood up, gathering her coat. She smiled down at Logan, who smiled back, charming and perfect as ever.

"Take care…Ace." He winked, she tore herself away, hurrying out of the café and into the wind outside. The sun was setting and the sky was laced with pink. She fought back her tears as she walked down the street, fingering the ring around her neck. She wanted to go back, kiss him again, just one more she was saying to herself, but she knew she couldn't. It was wrong. Wrong for him and for her too.

She had parked her car over near Finn's place, it had been the only place to she could find a park. It was a couple of blocks away so she threw her coat on and hurried off, eager to get to Stars Hollow. All she wanted now was to shower, wash this horrible day off and then fall blissfully asleep.

About a block away from Finn's place she felt someone grab her arm, she turned to see a familiar face smiling at her.

"Rosemary, hi." Rory said, hugging the girl to her.

"Rory…Hey." Rosemary's smile was a little off and Rory could tell she was off her face on something.

"You alright?" Rory asked, feeling a little concerned, what was Rosemary doing just standing on the street alone.

"Never righter…Robert, he's um…just in this building…getting more…um, getting something. Then, wait, what time is it?" Rosemary mumbled. Rory was horrified, she saw so much of herself in the sad pathetic Rosemary that stood before her.

"Quarter to 7." Rory said after glancing quickly at my watch.

"God, I have a date with Finn, I don't know…which way to his house?" Rosemary said, running her hands through her bedraggled hair.

"Can't Robert take you?" Rory said, feeling sick. She felt responsible, like she should take Rosemary to Finn's, he would look after her. She didn't want to see Finn though, not after the day she had already. She felt torn.

"He's been up there for ages. Can you…Finn said if I stood him up one more time that was it…" Rosemary slurred.

"Oh god." Rory groaned, "Okay come on." She took Rosemary by the wrist and dragged her along, Rosemary stumbled along clumsily behind her, trying to keep up.

"You're hurting my wrist…" Rosemary groaned.

"Yeah well, you're hurting yourself with all the shit you're putting in you." Rory replied snappily. She couldn't believe that after all this time she was dealing with a situation like this.

"Like you can talk. You were the queen of this world, you partied harder then any of us. The number of times I watch Logan literally carry you out of the clubs…we even thought you were dead a couple of times…Don't be so judgey…you got clean…big deal…you're still just like me…if something bad enough happened, you'd be right back here…standing on the street…waiting for Robert to bring you something…anything…to ease the pain…knowing you…you probably would have slept with him for it." Rosemary babbled, before letting out a loud groan and shaking her head violently. "Sorry…I'm not…you know."

"It's fine. Really." Rory told her softly. Rosemary could have slapped Rory across the face and she would have been less shocked. What she had said had cut Rory deep. Rory had no come back.

They reached Finn's building and more then anything Rory just wanted to Dump Rosemary on the steps, press Finn's buzzer and run off. Her car was only a street away. She realised however that this was immature and irresponsible, two things she was working not to be so, grudgingly she put her arm around Rosemary and practically carried her up the small flight of stares and took her inside and up to Finn's door.

"Do I look ok?" Rosemary asked as Rory knocked on the door. She looked like an absolute mess. Rory didn't say a word and a moment later Finn opened the door, topless and grinning.

Well at least grinning for a second until he saw the scene in front of him.

"Here…" Rory passed Rosemary gently to Finn. Rosemary flung her arms weakly around Finn's neck. "I think she'll be okay soon. She seems like she's taken to much codeine or something."

Finn helped Rosemary over to the couch and lay her down, "I'm be back in a sec, ok Rosemary?" Then he went back over to Rory, stepping out into the hall, closing his front door behind him.

"Thanks, for bringing her here." Finn said.

"Oh, it's no problem. I couldn't just leave her on the street, which Robert did by the way." Rory informed him.

Finn swore violently then was quiet for a moment, "Bloody Robert. I told him to leave her alone."

"Robert's never really cared for anyone besides himself, you know that Finn." Rory gave him a weak smile. "So…you and Rosemary…"

"It's only been a couple of weeks. I don't know what I'm doing Rory, I don't want to have to be constantly worrying about her, I don't even like her." Finn sighed, running his hand through his hair. "What are you doing around here anyway?"

"Me and Logan…we just…well we said our final, official goodbye's. We're definitely not getting back together." Rory said, automatically grabbing at the ring around her neck.

Finn didn't say anything to this, he just looked at Rory quietly, examining her. "It's been a weird month without you." He finally said.

"It's been a weird month for me without you or Logan or Jess or my mother." Rory replied with a shrug. "You should look after Rosemary."

"Rosemary's actual boyfriend should be looking after Rosemary." Finn replied with a sigh.

"Why am I more surprised then I should be?" Rory sighed, more to herself then to Finn. "What are you doing Finn? Hanging around with some druggy loser who already has some idiot to look after her. You're better then this now. You know that, you stopped doing all that crap when I did. Why are you going back?" Rory was furious that Finn could be so stupid. That he could tell her that he didn't want to be with her, and then be with this pathetic girl.

"I don't know ok! I don't know." Finn snapped making Rory jump, "I just…I missed you and I was lonely."

"You didn't have to be missing me though Finn." Rory snarled, "I picked you! I put my heart on the line and you steam rolled over it."

"I…Ror…" Finn began but Rory couldn't contain her anger she had to get out of there.

"Snap out of it Finn! Ditch the junkies and grow up. If you don't, I can't believe I ever thought I was falling for you!" She told him furiously, before rushing off, not looking back.


End file.
